Christoph Becker and his colleagues at Heidelberg University in Germany have discovered that people with kids are actually happier than people without – so long as the kids have left home. Their analysis of 55,000 people aged 50 and older from 16 European countries revealed that people with children who had fled the nest had greater life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression than those without children.
But according to an even newer cross-sectional survey of parents, this is a load of pants. Using the established qualitative research method of the one-to-one interview, I asked my partner and the mother of my children what she thought. Certainly not true for us, she said. I then extended the focus group by asking myself what I thought – nah, bollocks, I told myself.
We have two children, of 27 and 25, at home, and we love having them there. Yes, it’s terrible that the oldest could not afford to move into her own place if she wanted to despite having worked as a teacher for four years. And yes, it’s sad that the youngest is autistic and promises she will never move out whatever happens. We’d love them to be independent and spread their wings one day, but in the meantime we all have a great time together.
Both are happy with us, bring us huge amounts of joy (even if Alix does keep nicking the last bit of ginger and Maya insists on bursting into the bathroom when I’m on the loo) and I think we occasionally bring them joy too.
This may be selfish, but the thought of them leaving fills me with a sense of loss. I see so many empty-nester parents reinventing their lives with extra dogs and extra holidays, extra courses and extra social activities. And I’m sure the dogs etc are wonderful, but to me it does sound like vacuum-filling. Empty-nest syndrome is a syndrome for a reason. And I’m yet to meet a syndrome I want to sign up to.
We had our kids young. I struggled with them back then. I was resentful and totally unprepared for parenthood. I left Alix in a shop one day (so easy to forget you have a toddler). I’d take Maya into town and realise I’d forgotten her shoes when she complained her feet were bleeding. It has taken me the best part of a quarter of a century to understand my kids, so why would I want to offload them now? These days we can have adult (and childish) conversations, cook for each other, enjoy each other’s friends, tell dirty jokes, have a laugh. The house is buzzing with life. Even when we get pissed off with each other, there is an energy to it.
In fact, we enjoy our adult children at home so much that four years ago we decided to get another. Jimmy came fully formed, is now 25, and is wonderful, even though he won’t let me touch the gardening any more (to be honest I should never have been allowed to touch the garden).
As for the extra money we’d have if they left, I always hated the idea of cruises. The time? You make your own time. The peace? I can put headphones on. The vicarious pleasure of grandchildren? There’s plenty of room for them at home if that ever happens.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t actually stop my children leaving home. I’ll just be super sad when they do.
• Simon Hattenstone is a features writer for the Guardian
