IN honour of Father’s Day this Sunday, three celebrities reflected on what they’ve learned since becoming dads.
‘Since losing my wife I‘ve learned on the job’
SPORTS journalist Simon Thomas, 46, quit his job as a Sky Sports anchor to raise his son Ethan, nine, after the death of his wife Gemma.
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“I always wanted kids and people would often tell me I’d make a great dad. After having Ethan, Gemma and I wanted to give him a sibling, but we learned that Gemma had a serious fertility issue.
“After two rounds of IVF and a miscarriage we realised it wasn’t meant to be, but one child was a blessing.
“Then, in November 2017, Ethan and I were grief-stricken when Gemma died suddenly just three days after being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia.
“She had felt unwell the previous week, but had been sent away by doctors three times. She was 40 years old. Ethan was just eight.
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“There was no time to read self-help books or seek the guidance of counsellors before losing Gemma. I’ve learned how to cope on the job and have been heavily guided by instinct.
“After Gemma died, I encouraged Ethan to be open about his feelings by never hiding my own emotions.
“The only thing I’ve protected him from is anger, which can be very disconcerting for a child.
“If I ever felt angry, I’d take myself out of the house and shout or kick something. But I’d cry in front of him and talk about Gemma to keep her part of the conversation.
“I’ve learned how kids process grief. Unlike adults, who don’t have escape from the questions and fears that come when you lose someone, a child will feel pain one moment and jump out of it the next.
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“Ethan would distract himself with Lego, and that took some getting used to. I’d think: ‘Doesn’t he understand that Mum’s gone?’
“There were times I wished I could be him for a while, to be momentarily free from the pain and the endless worries about the future.
“When Ethan returned to school a week after Gemma died (on the advice of counsellors who said he needed structure), I wanted him to know I was thinking of him so I slipped a note in his lunchbox that said: ‘Ethan – you’re Daddy’s superhero. Love you, Daddy xxx’.
“I’ve written a note every day since and now Ethan tells me how he’s feeling in letters.
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“Raising Ethan alone is obviously a privilege, but it’s one I never wanted and I feel enormous responsibility to guide him through the next few years without Gemma’s immense wisdom.
“Early on, if he wanted to play on his PlayStation for four hours, I’d let him, thinking: ‘He’s just lost his mum’.
“I’ve since realised he must grow up to understand the value of things and that there have to be boundaries.
“Homework, which remains a battleground, was Gemma’s territory, and if I have to tell Ethan off because he’s not concentrating, he gets tearful.
I’ve realised its important to set boundaries.
Simon Thomas
“I have to go from bad cop to giving him a big hug all within seconds, so it’s difficult finding the right balance.
“Recently, a couple of Facebook memories from last year popped up, which showed me I’d come a long way.
“Back then the landscape of our lives was black and white, but over time colour has seeped back in. I love seeing him laugh again. I love our trips in the camper van and all our adventures. I love the way he expresses himself through writing and drawing.
“He’s not just my son, he’s my best mate. I know Gemma would be proud.”
‘Being a dad is about making memories‘
DJ and TV presenter Marvin Humes, 34, is dad to Alaia-Mae, six, and Valentina, two, his daughters with wife and fellow TV host Rochelle, 30.
“I’ve always been quite a calm character, but as a dad of two I’ve definitely had to learn patience. Our youngest is at the stage where she’s putting sentences together, which is lovely, but she’s also in the middle of the terrible twos and frequently throws tantrums.
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“The other day I took her to the supermarket and she had a meltdown. I just ignored it and pretended to walk away, all while keeping an eye on her to make sure she followed me!
“Of course, there are times when my patience fails me and I’ve definitely felt guilty for telling my girls off.
“I’ll drive to work at Capital FM thinking: ‘I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that or told her off.’
“I try to be the best parent I can be, but I’m not perfect – I make mistakes and I’ve realised that’s OK. The key is to learn from them quickly. When I found out that Roch was pregnant, I bought a book called Pregnancy For Men – it’s like a bible for expectant dads.
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“But in reality there’s really no manual about how to raise a child. You’re learning on your feet – about them and yourself – every day.
“My children aren’t growing up like Rochelle and I did. They are very fortunate, they’ve got a lovely home and their lives are good. They’re lucky, and part of my worth as a dad comes from working hard to sustain that.
“I’ve learned that the most important thing to my girls is me being around.
“They’re the happiest when they’re painting my nails, putting glitter on my cheeks and gloss on my lips, which is all part of the territory when you’re a dad to girls!
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“I went to work the other day oblivious to the fact that I had glitter over my face until a colleague pointed it out.
“It’s been freeing to realise that at the centre of everything, being a dad is just about making memories.
The most important thing to my girls is me being around.
Marvin Humes
“The most special times are when there’s no technology, no distractions – just me, my girls, their imaginations and our love.
“My favourite time is bedtime, when Alaia is cuddling me as I’m reading her a story. Then she’ll read one back and most of the time I’ll fall asleep!
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“There’s going to be a day when she doesn’t want a bedtime story, so I’m mindful of making the most of it now.
“As a partner, I’ve definitely changed, too. The other day I told a friend that before he has kids, he’s got to really, really like his partner, because when you’re both awake in the middle of the night and totally exhausted it’s very tough!
“Becoming parents is a huge sacrifice, because suddenly it’s not just about you any more – and it’s certainly not about you as a couple.
“I figured out soon after Alaia was born the importance of switching off and making time for date night, just for Rochelle and I to remember why we got together in the first place.”
- Watch The Hit List, BBC1, Saturdays, 7.30pm.
‘You sacrifice everything for your kids‘
JOHNNY Ball, 81, is dad to Radio 2 DJ Zoë Ball, 48, who he raised from the age of two after splitting from first wife Julia. He also has two sons Nick, 42, and Dan, 41, with his second wife Di.
“When Zoë was born, I was at Broadcasting House recording a Play School story. The phone rang, I was told I was a dad and we cracked open a bottle of champagne in the BBC club.
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“Her mum and I parted when Zoë was two and a half and we agreed that I would raise her. Overnight, I became a single dad and that was difficult – I wasn’t naturally domestic.
“I’d never cooked, but suddenly I had to try. I can remember once feeding Zoë lasagne and telling her that the pieces of pasta were elephant’s ears just to get her to eat it – and it worked!
“Talking into a camera lens to under-fives when I started Play School in 1967 taught me the importance of being on the same level as kids. I was a comedian, so a naturally playful dad, and I became good mates with Zoë.
“She was protective of me, too. When I was in the West End in the early ‘70s playing Owl in David Wood’s Owl And The Pussycat, it looked as though the Plum Pudding Flea was going to eat me. “Zoe stopped the show and shouted: ‘Don’t you eat my daddy!’
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“Getting through each day with a toddler – feeding, changing and cleaning up afterwards – was a challenge and I really had to find an inner strength.
“My self-esteem was low, but then I met Di and we established a family unit that has lasted 46 years. My self-confidence returned, my TV career blossomed and my own BBC1 show Think Of A Number won a BAFTA in its first series.
“I believe you can’t teach your kids anything, but they learn everything from you. We played lots of games together and had wonderful holidays finding deserted beaches just for us.
“I never tried to teach them to drive as teenagers – that’s a recipe for a terrible row within three minutes!
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“I realised my role was simply to guide and support them without breathing down their necks.
“We always operated on mutual trust. Before Zoë’s 16th birthday party she asked us to hire the village hall, then said: ‘Some of the boys are older and will be bringing alcohol’.
“Uh-oh! On the night, we gently took all their booze off them and ran a free bar stocked with the weakest beer and wine we could find.
“At the end, we gave them back their alcohol and everyone left saying: ‘Thank you so much for giving us your trust’. It was the most fabulous party.
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“Our three children have given us six amazing grandkids – two each – aged between five and 18.
“It’s wonderful when your children have their own little ones. You soon see them making the same mistakes you did when you were new to the job!
“You can always give them advice and tell them what you did, but one thing you should never do is tell them where they are going ‘wrong’.
My role was to guide and support my kids.
Johnny Ball
“They will not thank you for it. They’ll find out for themselves, in their own good time.
“Though they all have their own lives, Di and I are so happy to help them when we can. As you get older, you learn to accept everything on your kids’ terms.
“Overall, as parents I feel we got most things right. The kids have all turned out just fine.”
