Name: Romantic zones.
Age: Ancient in many cases, if only recently signposted.
Appearance: Vantage points so picturesque as to incite passion.
Sounds exciting. Are there any in the Kettering area? No.
Are there any within easy reach of Kettering? They’re all in Italy.
That seems a bit unfair. It’s an Italian initiative. Scenic trysting places have been furnished with signs saying: “Zona romantica” and: “Obbligatorio baciarsi”.
What does that mean? “It is mandatory to kiss.”
What if things go a bit further than that? The signs offer no subsequent instruction, though some also bear lines taken from love songs.
What sort of place makes for a good zona romantica? Impressive views, a bit of seclusion, maybe a story about star-crossed lovers leaping to their deaths from that same precipice.
Really? That’s the deal in Trentinara, Campania, where the sign features likenesses of legendary doomed lovers Saul and Isabella.
Never heard of them. It’s a local story – he was a brigand, she was a noblewoman. Their families opposed the match.
Any less grisly examples? One newly appointed zona romantica overlooks the Mediterranean near the Punta Carena lighthouse on the south-east coast of Capri.
Lovely. Reached by stairs cut into the rock, it is known locally as the belvedere del sognatore – the dreamer’s lookout.
If it’s that romantic, I’m surprised they need to put up a sign. The signs are a bit of a marketing gimmick, to be honest. The coastal town of Sperlonga, Latina, has even launched a photo competition to publicise their five designated romantic zones.
Nobody tells me where to kiss. I just put on my mistletoe hat and I’m good to go. I believe HR spoke to you about that last Christmas.
I’m just saying: do we really want to live in a world of signposted zones dictating our every move? We already do. There are even “photo spots” to tell tourists where to point their cameras, some complete with frames.
Ridiculous. There are also clean air zones, quiet zones, special economic zones and dispersal zones – designated public areas inside which police are given powers to ban people committing antisocial behaviour.
Those we have in Kettering. In the grand scheme of things, what’s wrong with adding a few zones encouraging lovers to do what lovers do?
Erogenous zones, you might call them. No, thank you.
Speaking of which, you know that bus shelter out by Halfords? They should put a sign there, if you know what I’m saying. This is why you’re barred from the city centre after 7pm.
Do say: “Senza lingue.” (No tongues.)
Don’t say: “Let’s come back when there’s less of a queue.”
