My boyfriend and I have been intimate for several months, but the sex is consistently mediocre. Neither of us climax, and often I’m not sure whether I’m giving him pleasure. Our communication about sex is essentially nil; it’s just assumed that it will happen when we’re in bed together. I have attempted to open up conversations a couple of times, but he has never taken the bait. This lack of communication is making me hesitant to initiate intimacy, because I worry about how we’ll decide when to stop, or that we’ll continue through something neither of us are enjoying. How can I change this and encourage communication without making him feel self-conscious?
You know exactly what is wrong, but perhaps you need help forming the words to improve your communication. To avoid sounding critical, always start with a positive affirmation. For example: “I really enjoy being with you, I was just wondering if you could help me to understand exactly how you like it?” Or: “I love being intimate with you, but next time please give me some instructions. I want to learn more about your body.”
You could point out that you are new to each other: “I know we haven’t known each other long and everyone is different, so would you please help me to understand better how you like to be touched?”
Encouraging communication is often best done in situ in a seductive fashion: “Do you like the way I’m doing this, or not?” “Would you prefer it this way … or this?” “Please show me how?” “Am I getting warm or cold?”
If something’s not working, ask for clarification or change, for example: “Shall we try a different position? What’s your favourite?”
People tend to become more aroused if their partner appears to be enjoying it. Reward him enthusiastically if he does something you like and be generous and brave about sharing your exact needs and desires with him, including precisely how you like to be kissed, touched, held, stroked and much more. He will truly appreciate this.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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