There is one certainty about Boris Johnson’s premiership: it will end. Official documents probably class an asteroid strike on Westminster as “the worst-case scenario”, but right now that actually seems generous on the alternatives. A reasonable base case is that this circus will carry on for months, until a diligent civil servant notices there is no one left to resign but the British prime minister.
But Conservative political lives do not end in failure — they end in honours lists. This week Theresa May followed the example of her predecessor, David Cameron, by handing out peerages and knighthoods to those who had served her in government.
Step forward Lord (Gavin) Barwell, former chief of staff to Mrs May; Sir Robbie Gibb, former head of communications; and even Nick Timothy CBE, sacked as joint chief of staff after the 2017 election. Perhaps Mrs May didn’t read the recent newspaper columns in which Mr Timothy described her Brexit plan as “tone-deaf”, her premiership as “failed” and accused her of not trusting her colleagues. Nick, any idea why she didn’t trust her colleagues?
In short, resignation honours are an area in which Mr Johnson can eclipse his predecessor. Surely he won’t give honours to any former confidant who insulted his leadership and Brexit strategy — which is a shame for his brother.
The custom is that the outgoing head of the government does not receive an honour, so Mr Johnson’s chief of staff, Dominic Cummings, will also be left empty-handed. It’s for the best: he would only have melted down the medals of his CBE in an alchemistic attempt to turn them into targeted polling data, and then tried to tear down the Royal Society when he failed.
If Mr Johnson wins a general election, he will want to reward those who made it possible. Please hold the line, Jeremy Corbyn, there’s a man who wants to speak to you about a peerage.
A good honours list should also recognise those outside Westminster. May I propose Richard Keedwell, a retired engineer who has spent the past three years — and almost £30,000 — trying to appeal against a £100 speeding ticket?
“I’m sick and tired at the whole system, which is steamrollering ordinary people,” said Mr Keedwell, whose appeal failed last month and whose sons have now lost their inheritance. It’s hard to imagine a more impressive effort to make Brexit look like good value.
An honours list needs celebrity gold dust. Just when you thought Mrs May’s nominations couldn’t be any worse, she gave a knighthood to her hero, Geoffrey Boycott, a cricketer who backed Brexit after a French court convicted him of beating his then girlfriend. So that’s what Mrs May meant about transforming our attitudes to domestic abuse.
Mr Johnson’s hero is Winston Churchill. But Churchill chose to reject King George VI’s offer of a dukedom and to be made a Knight of the Garter after his electoral defeat in 1945, telling friends: “How can I accept the Order of the Garter from my sovereign when his people have just given me the Order of the Boot?” Perhaps Mr Johnson could just allow Churchill’s grandson Nicholas Soames back into the Tory party?
Mr Johnson’s resignation list does face one unprecedented challenge. The Queen herself is not normally among the beneficiaries. But seeing as the prime minister may have lied to her about suspending parliament, this is a good occasion to make an exemption.
The usual constitutional comfort blankets — peerages, damehoods etc — are chicken feed to Her Majesty. Nonetheless I reckon she will forgive Mr Johnson all his past indiscretions if he can hasten that asteroid strike.
Scientists this week announced they had identified another planet with possible life. The sovereign, in her infinite wisdom, may judge that it’s time we handed on the baton.
