Playing through grief can be therapy for athletes, but everyone is different

After the sudden death of NBA star Kobe Bryant, social media filled with emotional tributes. He was killed, along with his daughter Gianna and eight others, in a helicopter crash Sunday.

Los Angeles residents gathered at the Staples Center, the downtown home to Bryant’s longtime team, the LA Lakers. Worldwide, buildings and followers donned the club’s purple and gold colors in memory of a beloved fan favorite.

Even for those who never met him, Bryant’s death is deeply personal. Viral images show grieving athletes, coaches and sports figures – some too emotional to complete interviews or free throws.

Sports pundit Kevin Blackistone explained how impactful these moments can be, noting there’s nothing “trivial about sport, given that we see so much in it; how we behave, how we relate and who we are”.

“We’re often drawn to [sport] because we live vicariously through it,” Blackistone said. “When [athletes weep] before us, uncontrollably and unapologetically, it [is] a reminder of how normal and devoid of shame it is to do this most human thing: grieve.”

But that intense, public grieving can also lead to criticism. Some sports analysts and critics challenged the NBA’s decision to hold games in days following Bryant’s death, questioning the impact on players’ mental health.

Keyon Dooling is a former NBA star and wellness counselor for the National Basketball Players Association, a union representing the league’s current players. He said most athletes understand the trade-off in having their rise balanced with their downfalls taking place for the world to see.

“As you reach or have reached the apex of your career, you build a certain level of resilience to block things out,” he said. Still, he noted that “in moments of quiet, when the stadiums lights turn off”, the pain can sink back in.

Following Bryant’s death, the NBPA provided resources for therapy and counseling not only to players, but coaches and other league staff. Although his role focuses on current rosters, he’s fielded dozens of calls from former players. Their priority is “keeping people from completely shutting down”.

“We understand our roles and responsibilities to our families, organizations, fans and greater communities. So we push through,” he said, adding that the NBA is the first league to offer mental health initiatives as part of its player outreach.

Athletes can often draw inspiration from grief. Dooling revealed he has twice taken the court after suffering a loss, both public and privately. During his career, he lost both a parent and a child just days before a tip-off.

David Kessler, a grief counselor and author, said that for athletes, the cliche of “playing through pain” is often misinterpreted. It can be therapeutic, and he challenges any assumption that working isn’t, in itself, grieving.

“We all try to find meaning in death, to give some meaning that honors that person lost”, he said. “If someone decides to play in honor, that’s just another way of making meaning, of grieving.”

As a child, Kessler witnessed a mass shooting while his mother was hospitalized. He now uses his experiences to help others process their grief. Similar to a colleague choosing to take bereavement leave or work anyway, he said that “our grief is as unique as our fingerprint”.

“We all want our grief to matter though”, he said. “So when we see teams say ‘we want to play to honor this person,’ the public tends to understand that.”

Some of the most regarded moments in sports history center around athletes powering through pain to achieve an impossible victory. One of the more notable, is former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre.

Favre threw four touchdowns and 399 yards in a thrashing of the then-Oakland Raiders just one day after his father died. After the game, Favre told reporters he knew his “dad would have wanted [him] to play”.

Years later however, Favre reflected that he wasn’t necessarily in a healthy mental state in the days and month after. The long-term impact, Kessler said, can vary from player to player.

What makes Bryant’s sudden death so exceptional, he adds, is it represents a public and collective grief that society seldom experiences. That public display can have its drawbacks.

Athletes and other famous figures live on the public stage. Dooling notes that pressure to be visible and transparent in grief can compound the anxiety and sadness from the loss.

“There’s a healthy responsibility we have to the media, and the public to make sure we connect with our fans directly”, he said. “But every player who is impacted by this still deserves that mental health support.”

Comments on current Lakers star Lebron James’s Instagram post dedicated to Bryant are filled with condolences, but also critiques on everything from the time it took him to publicly speak to the quality of images he chose.

Kessler said that’s because the empathy and respect we typically show to those in our personal lives is often disregarded by a society that positions athlete, dignitaries and entertainers as infallible, emotionless heroes.

He cautions that his celebrity clients are no different from the general public. “Everyone grieves differently,” he said, and deserves the same respect of choosing the method that works best for them.

Dooling echoed that message for the players whose emotions show up on the court now as they mourn a comrade, mentor and idol.

“The same process that fans go through, we’re going through,” he said. “Allow us that space to be human, to cry with you, or alone if we need to.”