Name: The death of the sex scene.
Age: A few weeks, tops.
Appearance: A sad consequence of the coronavirus outbreak.
But why? Because of new draft recommendations by the British Film Commission. According to a leaked version, it states that from now on, actors should spend “limited” time together on screen.
So just a quickie, then? Not so fast. The draft plan goes on to state: “They should work back to back or shoulder to shoulder, rather than face to face.”
OK, give me a minute here. Are you attempting to think of a sexual position that can be performed back to back or shoulder to shoulder?
Yes. Don’t bother, I’ve already tried. The restrictions will have an impact on all television, but for the most part they will be easily navigated with reduced crews and clever editing – you can film either side of a conversation in different rooms on different days if you need to. This means shows such as Peaky Blinders and Line of Duty could resume production relatively quickly. However, most sex scenes do require two performers to be on screen at the same time.
But sex scenes are important. Exactly. If it wasn’t for sex scenes that suddenly happen without warning while you’re watching an ITV drama with your parents as a teenager, how are you supposed to learn that sex is awkward and shameful?
Still, at least the sex scene went out on a high. It did indeed. Normal People was been dubbed “the raunchiest ever BBC show” thanks to the 41 minutes of sex scenes spread throughout its six-hour run time.
That’s a lot. Well, it is going to have to last us for a long time. I wonder how the sudden drop-off of TV sex will affect society as a whole. Perhaps guided by our culture, we’ll adopt a new system of courtly romance where physical consummation is treated as a mere byproduct of a more spiritual bond.
That isn’t going to happen. No, you’re right. We’ll all develop uncomfortable crushes on every single Strictly Come Dancing contestant this year instead.
Is Strictly still happening? How? Producers are hopeful, and looking at options that include banning the studio audience, quarantining the contestants together and installing glass divides on set.
That doesn’t seem like a great formula for attracting big-name stars. We’ll see, but in the meantime we can always get obsessed with the side characters from all the Midsomer Murders repeats we’ll be watching soon.
Do say: “There will be no more sex on television.”
Don’t say: “But isn’t that what the internet is for?”
