Hardline Tory Brexiteers have taken to calling themselves the Spartans after ancient Greek warriors so dim they preferred massacre to compromise.
The Spartans had a neat line in childcare. They left newborn babies on a cold hillside overnight to see if they were strong enough to survive.
Theresa May must wish she could be Queen of Sparta. To abandon her Brexit rebels on a mountain. In the Arctic. Within easy reach of polar bears.
This crop of 20 Brexit headbangers would do anything to get No Deal, even if it means bringing their own government down.
(Image: Imaginechina / Splash)
The danger of that, of course, is that we could end up with a General Election no one wants – not voters, not MPs, and probably, if truth be told, not even Jeremy Corbyn.
If it’s a massacre MPs are looking for that’s a sure way to get it.
A Commons household name approached me with some chilling predictions.
He said MPs now fear canvassing would mean getting thumped on doorsteps so febrile is the national atmosphere.
Even MPs with huge majorities face defeat because people define themselves more by Brexit than political party. So a GE will only happen by accident .
That would make this our third Brexit in which the electorate did not get a vote on the outcome.
The first was 8,200 years ago when a tsunami swept away the land bridge connecting Dover and Calais creating the first European settlement scheme because they could no longer walk home.
The second Brexit was 1534 when Henry VIII nationalised the Church in England so Anne Boleyn would let him get his leg over.
Rome was the Brussels of its day, and those who tried to thwart breaking away from it lost their heads. MPs defying Mrs May only lose half their Easter holiday.
Even without the mess of a national vote MPs are perfectly capable of messing up votes themselves.
Tory grandee Sir Oliver Letwin tried to put Parliament in control and Parliament proved it couldn’t control anything more complex than a TV remote.
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It turned its nose up at everything. Now Olly will have another go tomorrow.
Ken Clarke’s customs union might win this time and we’ll end up in the EU for another two years. It would be such a soft Brexit people might begin to wonder whether there’s any point in leaving.
That opens up the prospect of putting it to a second referendum, so we’d get a final say after all.
Sparta had two monarchs ruling together. So do we. Britain’s outgoing PM and backbench PM Oliver Letwin.
And neither know what the hell’s going on .
Eggs and custard are no fun when used as weapons
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Put yourself in Jeremy Corbyn’s shoes. Or those of Peter Mandelson. Or any politician physically assaulted.
Lord Mandelson told me just how frightening it is because at the time they can have no idea what’s happening.
Peter had green-coloured custard thrown in his face in 2009, while Brexiteer John Murphy was jailed for 28 days last week for egging Corbers on the bonce.
Weapons made of eggs and custard raise sniggers. But it’s far from funny in those first seconds.
Victims fear the substance dripping off them might be something less comic than sherry trifle or blancmange. Acid or Novichok perhaps. That’s why attackers deserve stiff punishments.
Now for something that is funny. When Lord Mandelson was Northern Ireland Secretary he thanked his police bodyguard for his willingness to take a bullet for him.
The cop replied: “No, no, Sir. You’ve got it wrong. I’m not here to stop you getting shot. I’m here to shoot the guy who shoots you.”
Gavin Williamson, the ferry godmother
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Chris Grayling thinks that in a worst case scenario up to 60 HGVs would queue to get through Portsmouth International after Brexit.
Given the hapless Transport Secretary’s record it will probably be ten times that.
Some good news, though. Ferries have been found. Though not by Chris Failing.
Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson has four roll-on, roll-offs ready for action to help Grayling out should he need them.
They actually exist, unlike Graything’s aborted foray into ferryland, and are operated by Foreland Shipping Ltd.
(Image: Leon Neal)
One is primed to go at five days notice while the other three are on ten day readiness.
Williamson’s only mistake would be in giving them to Graything. He might sink them.
But the Transport Secretary is not a total failure. He’s told motorists they won’t be fined for having those little EU flags on their number plates.
By promising they can legally stay there after Brexit.
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We would have left the EU had everything gone to plan…
She doesn’t know, you know
MPs say Brexit is so confused they might as well ask Alexa. So I did. “Alexa, how would you solve Brexit?” She replied: “Umm. I don’t know that.” Try it.
Counting down to sex
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MPs insist General Elections are no fun. Except when they get to the count. That’s when the candidates see all the spoiled ballot papers to agree which to discard. One MP’s favourite was the spoiler who wrote: “I’d like the winning candidate to stop the deputy mayor having sex with my wife.”
A Member of British Excellence
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Peers lacked a certain sense of irony on Tuesday when complaining of old-fashioned terms used in the honours system.
After all, they are themselves barons and baronesses. Or dukes, marquesses, earls or viscounts.
One peer suggested changing the MBE, which stands for Member of the British Empire, to Member of British Excellence.
Lib Dem Lord Wallace thought other titles might need attention, specifically those orders which involve baths and garters.
