Politics

Nelson's Column: Only God can save vicar's daughter Theresa May dangling over a cliff edge


Vicars tell a gag involving a climber losing his footing on a mountain precipice but managing to grab a branch an instant before plunging to certain death.

Dangling helplessly the mountaineer calls out in desperation: “Is there anyone up there?”

A booming voice replies: “This is God. Trust me and you will be saved.

“Now let go and I’ll catch you.”

The climber ponders this offer a moment, then pleads: “Is there anyone ELSE up there?”

This is the predicament the Conservative Party now finds itself in.

May: predicament

It wants to let go of vicar’s daughter Theresa May, but is terrified of leaping into the unknown with a new leader.

Divisions are now so bitter that I was happily chatting to a couple of Tory MPs, one a May loyalist and the other a Brexiteer who wants rid of her , when out of nowhere a stand-up row broke out in front of me.

If you’ve ever witnessed the suddenness of a pub brawl you’ll know what I mean.

One moment you’re sipping your pint peacefully and the next chairs and tables fly through the air for no apparent reason.

Insults such as “you stooge” and “you take the money, never mind the country” were exchanged.

MPs arguing is no surprise. That they made no attempt to take their spat out of my hearing is.

MPs: arguing

At the end of it one turned to me and said: “The Party will have to split . And we’ll decide which side keeps the family silver and calls itself the Conservative Party.”

Tricky one that. It’s now impossible to determine whether Remainers or Leavers represent the true heart of Conservatism.

Getting shot of Theresa May won’t solve Brexit. The arithmetic isn’t changing.

Talks between Jeremy Corbyn and Mrs May are going nowhere . They only continue because neither wants the blame for collapsing them.

Corbyn: Brexit stalemate

But Tory MPs are so frustrated many reckon anyone is better than the leader they’ve got.

One ex-minister who resigned over Brexit told me: “We need someone who will at least make a decision.”

And another MP said: “She’s like a troublesome tooth. When nothing else works you must have it out.”

The plot to oust Mrs May in another confidence vote foundered last week, but these people are not going to give up.

Brexiteer MPs in Leave supporting constituencies are confident they can keep their seats if the party does split no matter what they call themselves – the New, Real or Continuity Conservatives.

But getting themselves a new leader remains their least worst and less bloody option.

That leaves Mrs May’s premiership hanging by a twig and only God can save her now.

Beware the spectre of the Stasi

The Queen: host

Great break over Easter, thanks for asking.

I was whisked off to Berlin to celebrate my birthday in East Germany’s former Stasi HQ, now a museum.

Weird venue, I know.

But I like looking at gardening materials when they consist of recording equipment hidden in a hollowed log or a surveillance camera concealed in a watering can.

Germany is a country with one hell of an uncomfortable history to unbundle.

It’s still coming to terms with how its eastern citizens spied on each other and trusted no one.

And, of course, overwhelming guilt for the Holocaust never goes away.

Hitler: idolised

Germans struggle to explain how they could ever have idolised Hitler.

In an old WWII bunker housing an exhibition on the Third Reich there’s this: “Germans followed Hitler because he promised to make Germany great again.”

Swap Germany for America and the same pledge falls from the lips of another leader.

The one the Queen will host for a State visit in June.

Passport to a better Brexit future

Passports: new & old

There’s been much harrumphing over new British passports.

Those who received ones emblazoned with “European Union” across the top grumbled it shouldn’t be there because we were meant to leave on 29th March.

Those who got ones with the words missing complained we haven’t left yet.

The difference lies with the Passport Office shifting old stock. But peers could not take this seriously.

Former Tory Cabinet minister Michael Forsyth suggested a peel off sticker so we could remove the EU words once we’re out.

David Blunkett pranked by BBC comedian taking advantage of his blindness to pose as a party insider
Blunkett: Tippex

Labour’s ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett wanted a question mark after European Union so “we can Tippex it out in due course.”

The promised blue passports are due at the end of the year, whether we’re in the EU or out of it.

The photo page will be polycarbonate impossible to separate which locks in personal data and locks out forgers.

So, something good from Brexit then.

Family outings to the polls

Rachel: standing

EU elections are family affairs.

Standing with Jacob Rees-Mogg’s and Boris Johnson’s sisters are Michel Barnier’s son, Mussolini’s granddaughter and great grandson.

And former Estonian president Toomas Ilves’s wife….and ex-wife.

Minister can’t tell his tables from his tablets

Grayling: failing

Signs on Kent’s Fast Track buses must have been painted on by Chris Grayling.

They told me to use their power sockets “to charge laptops, tables and phones.”

Tables, eh? I’ll bring the one from the dining room next time.

It’s a bit knackered and could do with some oomph. Cheers Chris.

Gumming up the road network


New no-deal Brexit calculations show that for each minute trucks are delayed at Dover traffic jams grow by one mile.

That means in 50 minutes the M20 would be choked, in another 25 the M2 would come to a halt and in three hours 20 minutes the M25, too.

There are 245,000 miles of roads in Britain. As traffic chokes one, the next will clog up. And so on.

On these figures the whole country would be gridlocked in 24 weeks.





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