Nelson's Column: Jeremy Corbyn and Boris Johnson desperate to avoid a kick in the ballots

It’s the recurring nightmare that has Jeremy Corbyn and Boris Johnson waking in a cold sweat at night.

Not in the same bed I hasten to add.

In these uncertain times such things need making clear.

They’re secretly terrified they really will be facing each other in a December General Election.

In public they are both committed to one at the earliest opportunity.

Privately, they’d apparently rather gnaw off their kneecaps.

That was the message I was given time and again at their conferences in Brighton and Manchester.

An election in the dank, dark, depths of winter means a low turnout for Labour.

And the Tories don’t have the £25million they need to fight it after spending a shedload on the last one only two years ago.

For Corbyn it means accepting in principle the proposal by his rebel wing to troop to the polls for a second EU referendum before marching to the ballot box for a change of government.

For Johnson it means abandoning his do or die pledge to leave the EU by October 31st, and accepting an extension until 31st January .

Personally I would have thought that leaves the PM in the ditch he said he would rather be found dead in than delay Brexit.

He would have failed to deliver what his entire premiership is built on – skedaddling out the EU by the end of next month.

But senior Tories whispered in my ear that he would be forgiven if he was forced into postponement as long as they were satisfied he had done everything possible to avoid it.

The “two-state solution” he’s proposing to the EU must be a try-on.

Johnson has Israel and Palestine as models for what 45 years of failure looks like.

Curiously, the DUP likes it, though beats me why given it sets up the different regulatory regime between Northern Ireland and the mainland they always ferociously opposed.

Perhaps there’s another £1billion bung in it for them.

But extension might give Corbyn the figleaf he needs to argue we must now wait until next year to ensure no-deal is off the table.

Were I of a cynical disposition I might suspect this was a plot orchestrated by No10 to pull the wool over my eyes.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

But the Tories I’ve been speaking to were encountered randomly and have no connection to one another.

Even that semi-housetrained polecat Dominic Cummings would struggle to pull off a disinformation op like that.

Anyway, it would be a crime to have an election before it’s necessary.

So don’t have nightmares.

Corbyn should sort out the Hodge bodge

To borrow from Oscar Wilde, to lose one veteran Jewish Labour MP may be regarded as a misfortune. Deselecting two looks like carelessness.

Or, worse, conspiracy.

Last weekend a move was triggered to lever Jewish-born Dame Margaret Hodge out of London’s Barking which she has represented for 25 years.

Now Dame Louise Ellman faces the same fate in the Liverpool Riverside seat she has held since 1997.

What they have in common is criticising Jeremy Corbyn for his failure to tackle anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.

The attempted coups against Margaret and Louise are not the Labour leader’s fault directly.

They are victims of new rules which makes deselection easier.

But these actions by local activists serve to reinforce the perception that Labour is institutionally anti-Semitic.

Bad MPs of whatever religious background should indeed be removed.

But these are good MPs.

And Corbyn could redress some of the damage being done to his party by speaking up for them.

Funerals should be a grave matter

Boris Johnson toyed with zipping over to Paris last week for the funeral of former French president Jacques Chirac.

Then he thought, nah, not enough EU leaders there with whom to discuss Brexit.

Rubbing shoulders with mourners Vladimir Putin and ex-prez Bill Clinton wouldn’t have been much use to him.

You can imagine the PM talking this through with girlfriend Carrie Symonds before making that decision.

BORIS: This is a heaven sent opportunity.

CARRIE: Literally.

BORIS: Better than a summit because there are no expectations. People don’t expect leaders to come back with test-ban treaties or quota reductions so we can have meaningful discussions.

CARRIE: And what if you don’t sort it all out?

BORIS: We’ll just have to hope that before too long somebody else important snuffs it.

Have I been eavesdropping on the lovebirds? Nope.

It comes verbatim from a 1986 episode of Yes, Prime Minister.

It’s all lies, lies, lies

The Tory conference bookshop, Blackwells, must have had Boris Johnson in mind when selecting titles for sale.

They included The Noble Liar, Kingdom of Lies, and Sex, Lies and Politics.

Not my bag, says Brexit chief

Talk about worst case no-deal scenarios.

Plaid Cymru MP Jonathan Edwards last week asked Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay: “How many bodybags have been stockpiled for use in Wales as part of contingency planning for the UK leaving the EU without a withdrawal agreement?”

The MP was told it was a devolved matter!

Sounds a bit fishy to me

It wasn’t the Manchester restaurant full of swivel-eyed Brexiteers that spoiled the sea bass I ordered.

It was the waitress saying: “There’s just one problem.”

This sentence implies a difficulty which might be overcome.

Was it too big or too small perhaps?

“No,” said the waitress. “Problem is we don’t have any.”

I’m a chair not a mayor

Tory chairman James Cleverly was irritated at conference to be constantly mistaken for Conservative London mayoral candidate Shaun Bailey.

Talking to one guest at a reception James realised something wasn’t quite right and asked: “Do you know who I am?”

The delegate, anxious to please, replied: “Of course. You’re the next Mayor of London.”