Politics

Nelson's Column: Boris Johnson is the bumbling buffoon with a nasty streak


The good news is if Boris Johnson becomes PM it won’t be for long.

But it’s still bad news he’ll be PM at all.

Many horrified Tory MPs have woken up to the inevitability of the former Foreign Secretary and present one Jeremy Hunt being the final two candidates party members choose from.

And No10 is resigned to the grassroots voting Johnson having forgiven Alexander Boris de Pfeffel for his silly name and the nasty stuff we know about him.

Such as casual racism – “piccaninnies”, “water-melon smiles”, mocking Muslim women as letterboxes.

Johnson: launching

Or casual homophobia – “tank-topped bum boys”. Or fibbing about casual sex.

Though we journos won’t forget he was taped discussing having one of us beaten up during the kind of conversation not uncommon in 1930’s Germany.

But as Johnson faces the awesome responsibility of national leadership perhaps we should be Christian about past mistakes and recognise even the scumiest of sinners can be redeemed.

Except redemption is one of the few words with a Latin root not in Johnson’s vocabulary.

Last week he continued to demonstrate astonishing inattention to detail.

At hustings on Monday he claimed to have come from 16 points behind to beat Ken Livingstone to London Mayor. By Wednesday that was 17 points.

Livingstone: beaten

This was to parade his credentials for winning elections against the odds. Yet a check of the polls at the time – YouGov, ComRes, BMRB – reveals he was consistently ahead.

Oh, that’s just Boris, say fans. Never lets facts stand in the way of a good story. Part of his incorrigible charm.

But he isn’t a cheeky schoolboy. He’s probably next PM.

Would they be so indulgent if he bombed Switzerland instead of Syria simply because both countries begin with an S?

Boris Johnson is the most unsuitable prime minister in all my time in politics – and I’ve met the last 10 of them.

Sure, he has a good line in patter, an ability to get laughs, and a commanding TV presence.

But these qualities make for a stand-up comedian not a statesman.

And the British people deserve better from the holder of the nation’s top office than a talent for topping the bill at the Apollo.

Apollo: Boris’s natural home

Johnson hints airily at suspending Parliament to get a No Deal Brexit. Try that, pal, and one of two things will happen. A General Election which sweeps him from power.

Or rebel Tory and Labour MPs carrying out their so far only whispered threat to vaporise him by forming their own Government of National Unity.

Stranger things happen. Chuka Umunna has been in three parties this year . So far.

Umunna: partying

The dangers of spooking our spooks

Gemma Arterton: solace

MI5 got penalty points on its ‘licence to fill’ its boots with our personal information.

Investigatory Powers Commissioner Sir Adrian Fulford revealed the disturbing Spectre of the spy agency illegally holding material and storing it unsafely.

Those who object to our spooks hoovering up bulk data will derive a Quantum of Solace from this judgement.

But there’s good reason to Never Say Never Again to collecting it.

George Lazenby: secret servant

I was told a story by a spy on Her Majesty’s Secret Service involving four men getting British visas in Pakistan.

The visa numbers were in sequence showing they were collected together.

But on the plane to Heathrow the four sat separately, an oddity, I submit, which warrants further scrutiny in case they were up to no good.

Maryam D’Abo: living daylights

To do this spooks needed access to the bulk data of visa records and air passenger lists to run through their computers.

And banning them doing it should scare The Living Daylights out of us.

Sickly stunts won’t deliver No10

Davis T-shirts: tacky

Matt Hancock served waffles at his Tory leadership campaign launch.

Inappropriate, or what?

In his day job as Health Secretary he campaigns to get us to reduce sugar intake.

Hancock: waffles

Still, not as tacky as David Davis persuading buxom young ladies to wear T-shirts emblazoned with “It’s DD for Me” across their generous bosoms while battling David Cameron in 2005.

Sajid Javid spent his election dosh on lamb shank and red pepper canapes, chicken skewers, goat cheese tartlets and spring rolls.

Michael Gove should avoid giveaways, especially talcum powder, Tate & Lyle products, straws, credit cards and rolled up banknotes.

Gove: no giveaways

I didn’t think his cocaine use revealed in Owen Bennett’s biography would damage his leadership chances. But it has.

I sit next to Owen in the Commons.

And only his mum Deborah refuses to read his book.

That’s because she’s a retired primary school teacher still seething over Gove’s education reforms.

Tory MPs pass

Tory MPs showed Commons security passes at leadership votes to stop cheating.

One security guard sniffed: “Surprised they had them.

“They never do when we want to see them.”

Gove backer’s a little horse

The Tory leadership contest is as much about ministerial job applications as choosing a new PM.

Support for the winning candidate means a seat at the Cabinet table.

But when Michael Gove backer Tom Tugenhat was asked what the Environment Secretary might give him he replied: “Dunno. I’m hoping for a pony.”

The strong and stable sound man

PM: resignation

Squeals of delight from Commons researchers greeted strong and stable sound man Tobius Gough who popped up on TV to set up Theresa May’s lectern in Downing Street before her resignation speech.

They took to social media to swoon over ‘Hot Podium Guy’.

Javid: wondering

If Home Secretary Sajid Javid wonders why quite so many of them pitched up at his campaign launch on Wednesday it’s because Toby was there, too.





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