Relationship

My wife has gone off the idea of a threesome – and I’m gutted


My wonderful new wife is everything I have always looked for in a woman. The issue is that she is openly and proudly bisexual. When we first became involved, she even joked that she didn’t want me getting mad when it was time for her to visit her friend on girls’ trips. A threesome with a bisexual woman has always been my fantasy. She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us. But when I set up a meeting, she didn’t seem to want to follow through with it, so I stopped looking. Recently, on holiday, she made a sexual comment about a girl in a bikini, so I again brought up the idea of a threesome. But she said she might have grown out of that phase of her life and just wants to be with me. She also said that adding another person would ruin the marriage, and I worry that things might change between us if we get together with another girl. I am at a loss as to what to do. If she is truly bisexual, I am worried that if those desires are not met, she may pursue them without me. My only rule is that if she is with a girl, I am also present. Most guys would love my situation – am I making this harder than it is?

Listen to your wife. It is true that bringing another person into a relationship can be risky, and needs to be carefully negotiated and managed. And you don’t have to protect her bisexual interests – if she really wants to have sex with another woman, she will make that decision herself. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean one is interested in threesomes. You seem to have assumed it does, but it could be that the last thing your wife wants is to include you during sex with another woman. She implied this early on by saying she did not want you to get upset when she went off on a girls’ trip. It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality. All this is worth a frank conversation. Make sure you avoid blame or judgment, listen carefully, and help her to feel safe to educate you about her true sexual identity.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.



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