The dilemma My daughter is 13 and while she seems like a normal, happy teenager much of the time, she has frequent breakdowns about her future, the future of the planet, politics. It came to a head when she couldn’t stop crying and said: “I hate living. I wish I was born in a world before TV and internet, so I didn’t have to deal with all this stuff.” She went on to say: “What’s the point when we’re all going to die anyway? All we do is wake up and it’s the same thing again and again until we die.”
I’ve seen no signs of self-harm and she has a trusted group of friends around her. I’ve suggested that we do something that is tangibly meaningful, like helping out at a refugee centre, but it all meets with the same response: it won’t make a difference. I talked to her about people who have made a difference – the suffragettes, Martin Luther King, Greta Thunberg – but all are met with tears of resignation. I’ve talked to her about what we can do, or are doing: being vegetarian, recycling, reducing packaging, but it doesn’t allay her angst.
Holding her in my arms last night while she cried about her future, the future of the world and the planet, prompted me to write. Half of me wants to say: you’re right. Is it my fault for sharing politics with her?
Mariella replies Perhaps. Maybe you need to mix it up a little bit at breakfast. Put your fears for the planet aside, switch off the Today programme, fold up the Guardian and put on some Abba? Have some fun together. I’m not saying you two can’t get around to solving imminent planetary meltdown, but right now you need to prioritise.
Your girl is a teenager, and already likely to be struggling with the sort of hormonal cataclysm you’ll be reacquainted with yourself when you hit 50. In her elevated emotional state she’s capable of getting herself worked into the same frenzy about global warming as about the injustice of missing a friend’s birthday party. That makes it hard to understand what’s really an issue and what’s being temporarily adopted as one.
And don’t discount her desire for your full focus and attention. The further she progresses into her teens the more she’ll act as if she’s shrugging you off, but, conversely, she’ll actually still want you in her orbit at the same time.
She clearly thinks the way to your heart is through her social conscience, which is why you might want to open some other avenues of mutual interest. One of the hardest things to work out is how to offer the love and support teenagers need while not getting on their nerves, invading their space or being plain “annoying”.
My secret weapon is a simple waiting game. I just sit on my daughter’s bed – sometimes for hours on end – until she finally treats me to a titbit of what’s in her head.
But you must remember, there’s normal teenage behaviour and then there’s the worrying variety. Your daughter sounds like she needs careful monitoring at the moment, and you certainly need to be on the alert for signs that her despondency runs deeper than is healthy for her. Consult a mental health professional, or your GP, or contact a charity such as YoungMinds, just to be sure she’s OK.
Self-harm is just one of a long list of illnesses on the increase among young people: add depression, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, along with staples like lethargy, listlessness and nihilism and it’s a pretty distressing picture of the world they can inhabit. And landing them with the responsibility to sort out our mistakes before they are old enough to have made a few of their own is not the answer.
When I see the Bambi-like figure of Greta Thunberg on the world stage, I find myself guilty about the world they’re being fast-forwarded into. The bottom line is that world affairs can be crushing at a time when an unrequited crush on the boy next door is barely survivable. It’s certainly not the best age at which to be exposed to global woes without support. Keeping things in proportion for your daughter and expanding on the subjects the two of you talk about is essential.
While sustainable behaviours can never be adopted too soon it’s also vital she’s allowed to be frivolous. The greatest gift we can give our offspring is a childhood that is not overburdened with responsibility, which means we need to act like the grown-ups. Currently, for all the reasons I’ve just outlined, our children are shouldering global issues that the smartest brains on our planet struggle with. But life is still worth living because, even in the worst of times, there is joy to be found. Try changing your morning radio station – Chris Evans brings a welcome blast of irrepressible enthusiasm to the day – and find activities with your 13-year-old that are just for fun, because when you can’t see the wood for the trees it’s pretty hard to let that sunshine in.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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