Parenting

My sister says she doesn’t want to see me. Should I give up on her? | Annalisa Barbieri


My childhood was not a happy one. My mother was a narcissistic and toxic person who liked everyone but my older sister, my father and me. She was beautiful, smart and the life of the party. Everyone adored her. But, at home, my sister and I parented her. My father didn’t divorce her because of us (the subject was raised several times and we begged for it not to happen). He was 52 when I was born and died when I was 20; I’ve missed him ever since.

My mother died a couple of years ago, aged almost 100. I was the only one taking care of her, emotionally and financially, for the last 11 years of her life. She was difficult till the end. After years of therapy, I came to terms with the way she behaved (I’ve forgiven her, but not forgotten), and was there when she passed away, giving her comfort. I am happy that she didn’t break me the way she did my sister.

I am happily married with children, and have given them what I never had as a child: namely, love. My sister lived with my mother for more than 30 years; she has never married and doesn’t have children. When I returned to Europe after 30 years abroad, she announced that I had to be responsible for our mother. That was the last time I saw her. She says she doesn’t want to see me again because I remind her of our mother.

Therapy helped me realise that my sister bore the brunt of my mother’s behaviour. I feel a lot of love for my sister, and was devastated by her rejection, but hoped that, after the death of our mother (who loved to see us apart), we would reunite. It hasn’t happened and now I know it never will. I have written to her several times, to no avail. Should I give up?

I wonder if your sister felt rejected, or even abandoned, by you when you went abroad. I don’t know the circumstances – maybe your sister wanted to stay with your mum or maybe she felt she had no choice. But moving continent was quite a statement to make, although I can see why you did it.

What happened in those intervening 30 years? Did you visit? Did you stay in touch with your sister? When did you realise your sister had been “broken” by your mum? It seems to me that you’ve done some work (therapy) and realised a few things, and a part of you seems to think your sister should be on the same page. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be.

Family therapist and sibling specialist Sharon Bond also wanted you to think about what “giving up” means to you. What would it look like, and how would you do it?

Many people write to me wanting to sever ties with family members (or to stop trying to re-establish contact, as in your case). But it’s rarely that simple, because situations and feelings change in ways that you can’t predict. So breaking contact isn’t usually as finite as people would wish. “How would your sister know you’re giving up?” Bond asked. And I would also ask: is it important to you that she knows?

As you seem to align yourself with your father, Bond also wondered if you feel that he didn’t “give up” on his marriage, and if that means you in turn can’t give up on your sister. Perhaps you need to turn it around and ask: why hang on? I wonder if you feel you need to make a big statement (even if it’s just to yourself) in the hope of cleaning up a messy situation. But again I wonder if this would give you what you really want.

“When I read your letter,” Bond said, “I thought about what it’s like when both parents die and, in your case, your sister is [perhaps] the only person left who has known you all of your life.” This is quite a thing to let go of, so I appreciate the struggle. But, I think you need to be really honest about what you want from your sister. I wasn’t absolutely sure of the chronology – it sounds as if you last saw her about 13 years ago. If it was that long ago, then I think you need to respect your sister’s wishes: she’s spoken and if she wants to track you down, she can. If contact was more recent, I might be tempted to keep a door open – maybe a card once a year with no expectation of a reply .

Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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