I emigrated to be with my husband and we are very happy together, living in a remote city with our infant twins, away from our families. My parents visit once a year and my husband gets on well with them.
The issue is my mother-in-law. She doesn’t visit that often but, when she does, I dread it. By the end of her trip, I am unable to interact with her and am just waiting for her to leave.
She is the same age as my mother – mid-60s – but when my parents come to visit they want to be helpful; they work so hard to give me and my husband a break from the twins. My mother-in-law came a few months after they were born and she said she thought she was coming “on holiday”, expecting to be waited on, as my husband has done for her his whole life – he was basically the parent, as she delegated everything to him.
When I told her how I felt (which was my husband’s idea), she got really upset, fled to her room and cried to my husband that I was ungrateful and she was a victim. She then refused to talk to me for rest of her stay. It was a nightmare. Although we parted on good terms, every visit since has followed a similar pattern – she arrives and tells me she is exhausted.
I don’t know why she thinks she can come on holiday to our house. It frustrates me so much. She is physically capable, but she is lazy and selfish. If someone can do something for her, she will make them.
What can I do? She will not change. I strongly dislike her.
It is OK to dislike your mother-in-law. Having read your longer letter, she sounds very difficult – just reading it made me want to scream. The friction caused by having to be with someone whose values and work ethic you neither admire nor agree with is enough to start a bushfire.
You didn’t get the mother-in-law you wanted, or probably deserve, but you are not alone. Plenty of women feel like you do. She probably has lots to say about you, too. I am on your side, though – who would visit new parents of twins and not expect to pitch in? But you are right: you are never going to change her. Repeat this to yourself; cross-stitch it on to a cushion.
So, you need to find a way to deal with her, because she is going to be in your life for the rest of hers. I like how your husband – like legions of men before him – let you tell her how you feel (does he not share your sentiments?) when what is needed is a shared approach. But you cannot change him either if he has always been the parent to his mother. Don’t let her come between you.
While your mother-in-law will not change, your situation will. If she is used to being waited on, she probably resents her grandchildren getting all the attention and so is more needy than ever. But your babies won’t always be small: they will grow older and things will get easier. She may be more engaged with older children and, if she is not, the twins will still change the dynamic; she may not be able to behave as lazily around them. If she persists, they will make up their own minds about her, especially when they have your remarkable parents with whom to compare her. This will result in interesting conversations, but try hard never to slag her off to them, as this always backfires. Children are amazing observers.
Your mother-in-law sounds wounded. Maybe no one ever did anything for her as a child? But this is not your responsibility.
Some options: can you visit her instead? Can you put her up in a local B&B when she comes to you? If she has to come to yours, remember: asking her to help isn’t going to make it happen. Don’t ask – this will just wind you up more. You manage things when she is not there and the added frustration is due to your expectations. (Her laziness probably also highlights how tired you are. Maybe that is something you need to consider separately.)
But – and this is crucial – don’t wait on her either. If she wants to have a siesta or a lie-in, let her. Go out! Let her wake up and find you are not there. Do the minimum that’s needed to make you a decent host. She wants a holiday? Give her one: a budget holiday.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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