My partner feels ours is the most sexy, intimate, physically fulfilling relationship he has ever had. For me, it’s the least. We have talked about this off and on for three years. He is also having counselling. I feel as if I have given up on the hope that it will ever be sexy, full of desire and intimate, physically or mentally. I used to believe we all can change and grow, but I have lost that belief. Please help.
Did you ever feel strong attraction and desire for him? Did you ever have great sex together? If the answer is yes, then there is hope of restoring that erotic connection. But it sounds as if, from your point of view, your physical connection has always been lacklustre, and that may indicate a low probability of improvement. Since there is such a discrepancy between how each of you views your sexual relationship, try to analyse what is creating this imbalance. For example, are you focusing on pleasing him – perhaps out of a sense of duty or guilt – to the extent that you are bypassing your own needs and feelings? This scenario could create satisfaction for him, but resentment and longing for you. The way to correct it would be to ask him for exactly what you need in terms of pleasuring, and to teach him how. You must also consider that feeling undesirous of your partner can be due to relationship factors, such as having underlying anger about a perceived power imbalance or sense of unfairness. It can equally be due to factors that are separate from your relationship, such as stress, anxiety, depression or taking medication that interferes with sexual responses. Then again, some people struggle with the idea of allowing themselves pleasure or happiness, and need help changing that. Examine your reasons for continuing this relationship, ideally with psychotherapeutic help. If you are truly motivated to continue it will be vital to identify the obstacles and develop a healthier connection.
•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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