In the last six months, I’ve had sex with 15 men – not including my husband of 25 years. I’ve also talked to many men who tell me the same story: “I love my wife and we have built a great life together, but she doesn’t want to have sex. She recoils when I touch her and when we do have sex, she just lies there and doesn’t do anything.” It seems many women of my demographic (middle-aged, middle class, kids) don’t or can’t enjoy sex. I’ve been there myself.
Before last year, my marriage had been sexless for two decades. My husband and I are still trying to unravel why, but I think it boils down to two things: women today are overburdened, and most of us have forgotten how important touch and sex are – even if we were crazy about sex when we met our partners.
Many women get little out of sex because our culture is focused on satisfying the man. Often, that man has come to represent just another box on our massive “to-do” list. We have never been given permission to enjoy sex for its own sake.
After many years of disinterest, a perimenopausal hormone surge made me want sex all the time. I began to initiate sex with my husband, and this new focus on sensuality led us to talk about sex outside our marriage.
Our open marriage has given us new means of expressing ourselves sexually, which translates into better communication in all areas of the marriage. I have reclaimed my right to pleasure, and we are closer than ever.
• Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com.
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