The dilemma My partner of 30 years comes from a privileged family and has a sense of entitlement, which can occasionally make him seem superior. Or maybe that’s just my perception. It’s something I find hard, mainly because I don’t like that type of behaviour and find it embarrassing, but most of the time I try to ignore it. Since the referendum (my partner is a huge Remain supporter) he and his sisters (also Remain and wealthy elite) have made efforts to pursue Irish passports, which they are entitled to on one grandparent’s side. My partner has never been there. He seems proud or boastful about his potential Irish passport, which seems to be another way to be superior and pleased with himself. I’m finding it all very annoying. I don’t know why it’s so infuriating, but there’s something very self-satisfied about it and it gets to me. Their behaviour makes me feel small and I am not confident about getting my point across, especially when I am not sure what my point is! Am I being ridiculous?
Mariella replies Wow! Brexit in microcosm. Having co-compered the million-strong #peoplesvotemarch, your letter gives me the opportunity to sound off about current political turmoil, then about perceived elitism and finally about how much any partnership should drift towards dread endurance before it’s no union at all.
Let’s start with the debate around the greatest political choice of our time. It really doesn’t matter whether you’re in or out or simply on the fence, the emotional energy around Brexit represents a toxic breakdown. Bitterly contested divorces pale into insignificance compared with the heightened emotions that are the result of an ex-prime minister, over-inflated with his own persuasive abilities, lumbering us with a referendum. That’s what Eton will do to a boy!
The result of David Cameron’s abdication is the current frenzied skirmish – unpalatable in a romantic union and dangerous when it comes to a whole country divided. Social media may not be known for the subtlety of its interactions, but when it comes to our relationship with Europe the gloves are off. So much for the British reputation for stoicism and reserve. With 30 years’ experience of drawing flak, I’m pretty immune to insult, but even I’ve been shocked at the histrionic abuse, lack of self-control and downright bullying I’ve seen on display in the online version of conversations taking place across the land.
As I squeezed out of Paddington station on the morning of the People’s March, a lone Farage fan stood hurling insults at the sea of humanity emerging from trains arriving from the West Country. “Elitists,” he hissed at every placard-holder or badge-wearer. “I’m from outside the M25, I’m not some spoilt elitist southerner.” I don’t want to be dismissive, but I couldn’t help wondering whether he’d have been better off positioning himself outside Hampstead tube instead of a mainline railway station.
As in any relationship breakdown, reason is the enemy in matters of the heart. We become detached from our rational selves and the Brexit break-up has certainly had that effect. It’s fascinating, therefore, to see it highlighted in the context of your relationship, which already seems to be nursing extreme resentment. It illustrates how little our arguments in this national crisis have to do with our intellects and how they’re formed by a multitude of perceived injustices that have somehow been swept into the mix. In the same way that “civilised divorce” is an oxymoron, you can’t have a sensible conversation about leaving the EU. Even if you stay calm, others will weigh in and increase the emotional ante to unhelpful levels.
You don’t need me to confirm that your relationship isn’t in great shape. Your resentment about the passport, like so much of the discussion, is illogical, even if it does neatly sum up one less palatable side-effect of the current impasse. It’s up to the Irish to decide whether they want every Tom, Dick and born-again Patrick brandishing their passports. All you and I can do is try and remain calm, dignified and on the side of reason, while around us the world goes mad.
Debate about Europe has reopened and inflamed old sores up and down the country and your relationship is clearly not immune to that influence. Thirty years is a long time to spend with someone who infuriates you and way too long to cast yourself as the lesser voice. Making a clean break might seem tempting, but we know that when it comes to a long relationship there will never be such a thing as a clean break and there will be losers on both sides.
So it seems to me that it’s high time to push for reforms, including an extension to your right to have your voice heard and your opinions encouraged. The choice of whether to remain or leave is up to you, but in any relationship you require equal rights, not erosion of them. Even if it’s just practice for the future, it’s high time you stood your corner and demanded change for the benefit of all parties. And that’s exactly what we should be doing in Brussels.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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