I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for four, and he has a drinking problem. We met in our early 20s and started our relationship long-distance. I relocated to the UK and we moved in together. Early on, he would go out and come back much later than he had promised, leaving me unsure if I should be worried or angry. We would have massive and unproductive fights. We had to cancel plans as he was too hungover.
I made up my mind that I would leave him if his behaviour did not change. The next time it happened, I left for the day. He finally took me seriously, became scared of losing me, and this behaviour stopped. But in the following years, we got into a cycle of me finding empty bottles of alcohol hidden around the house, him promising to change, then me finding empty bottles again.
We got married, bought a house and he ran up debts. When confronted, he lied then came clean: most of the money had been used to buy alcohol. He started to attend an addiction programme, but did not complete it. He also tried Alcoholics Anonymous, but gave up after a while. We both went to see a couples therapist, but he was not honest about his drinking. Recently, after seeing a therapist, I was feeling confident and we started trying for a baby, but this week I found some empty wine bottles.
I love him and I want to stay with him. I couldn’t face the amount of hurt I would cause us if I left. He is sweet, kind and considerate, and does more than his fair share of housework. We share much joy. I want him to get better, but I realise that I cannot make him change.
Your original letter was more than 2,000 words long, and I could see you struggling to be fair to your husband while trying to make sense of your situation. Let me simplify things for you: your husband is an alcoholic, he lies to you and himself, he does not want to change – at least not at the moment – and he cannot take responsibility for his actions, often blaming you for his behaviour. No amount of “doing housework” can make up for this. I would put any baby-making plans on hold.
You sound more than reasonable – believe that. You say you have panic attacks and suffer from anxiety – this may well be your body trying to tell you something your mind won’t accept: that you cannot go on like this.
I showed Chris Mills, a psychotherapist, your full letter. He felt your husband’s behaviour patterns were “typical of an addict… the only time he seriously looks as if he might address his behaviour is when you seriously look as if you might leave him”.
Mills has worked with many alcoholics. “Your husband needs professional help,” he said. “Saying, ‘AA isn’t for me’ doesn’t cut it. If he wants to remain in a relationship with you, he needs to accept his drinking isn’t just about him.”
Mills’s point is that your husband deceives, and that you are “very good at letting him get away with it and deceiving yourself. Are you at risk of normalising his drinking by staying with him?” This is not meant to sound harsh, but you have put up with this for 10 years, and I think you may have become inured to his behaviour. This is no way to live. Do you really want to be here in another 10 years?
Mills had what I think is a great idea: could you separate for three months, giving him time to realise that you are serious, and hopefully start treatment? “Say to him: ‘See you in three months.’ He will be furious that you’ve pushed him into a corner, but the thing about not staying under the same roof is that you don’t have to police what he’s up to, or check for bottles.”
Also, policing would be exhausting for you. I think time away will really help you see the weight you are carrying. It is very hard to leave a “nice” but damaged man, so this won’t be easy, but we both think you need to draw a line that can’t be crossed: either he seeks treatment, or you leave.
“Think of it as an illness,” Mills said. “Imagine a diabetic refusing to take their medication: how aggressive would that be? That’s what your husband is doing – he’s not getting treatment, and you are suffering. It’s not on and it’s not fair.”
If you stay with this man and he refuses to get treatment, and if you have children with him, your children will grow up with an alcoholic father. I can’t imagine that’s what you want for them .
•Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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