HOW to break the news of a terminal diagnosis to your nearest and dearest is one of the toughest questions any person will face.
For one family, the answer was simple – don’t tell them they’re dying.
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The deception became even more elaborate when a wedding reception was organised as way of getting everyone together to say one last goodbye to the ailing grandmother.
Now a movie called The Farewell based on this “true lie” has been receiving Oscar buzz and five star reviews all round.
Starring Awkwafina from Crazy Rich Asians and out now, the film was inspired by the experiences of its writer and director Lulu Wang.
Wang, who moved to the United States from China when she was six-years-old, was torn about the decision not to tell her beloved grandmother that she was dying of lung cancer.
It seemed “unethical” not to inform her she only had three months to live.
The family felt it would be better for the health and well-being of her grandmother, who she calls Nai Nai, if she didn’t know.
Six years on, Nai Nai is still alive.
Remarkably, she still doesn’t know about the presence of the deadly disease in her body even though this movie is receiving international acclaim.
Speaking to The Sun, Wang explains: “She doesn’t know what the film is about. Nobody tells her. She is not really on the internet, she doesn’t leave the house.”
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‘It’s still secret’
The 36-year-old New Yorker has always been close to her paternal grandmother, because she lived with her for around a year in the Chinese city of Changchun before emigrating to the US.
Wang’s father Haiyan had been a diplomat working for China in Russia and her mother Jian used to write for a Beijing literary magazine.
They sought a better life in Miami, Florida and Wang pursued a career in film making.
While she was in the process of making her debut movie Posthumous, Wang’s mother told her that Nai Nai had stage four lung cancer.
She recalls: “I am really close to my grandmother. It was devastating news. There was no indication she was ill beforehand.”
Nai Nai’s sister had decided not to tell her about the diagnosis in 2013, but Wang was not at all comfortable with this idea.
She says: “For me, I felt it was wrong. I could understand why they were doing it, a little bit, when they explained it to me that it would be bad for her to know. But I didn’t know if it was ethical.”
Surprisingly, it is common for doctors in China not to tell a patient they have a fatal illness.
Instead they let relatives make that choice.
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Fake marriage
And since writing the movie, Wang has discovered families across the world have lied to a love one about having cancer.
She reveals: “I have had people from others parts of the world saying they do this. It’s not uncommon in South America, the Middle East. A British man said his family did the same thing to one of the grandparents. Keep it secret.”
In the movie rising star Awkwafina, who was in Ocean’s Eight last year and is in the third Jumanji this Christmas, plays a character called Billi who is very loosely based on Wang.
Billi and Wang go through a similar range of emotions about lying to a loved one.
Wang says: “I became OK with the idea of letting go of control, that it wasn’t my decision to make. That I had to respect my family.”
With Nai Nai’s family scattered across the globe, it was decided to arrange one big event so they could all see her together.
A “marriage” ceremony involving one of Wang’s cousins was chosen as the cover for the get together.
In the movie this plays out as a very awkward occasion for the bride and groom, with neither of them enjoying their “happy day.”
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Still going strong
Crossing fact with faction, Wang used the real venue for the “farewell” when making the movie and also cast her real life great aunt Lu Hong to play her great aunt.
While the rest of the cast are well established Asian stars, Lu Hong had never acted before.
Wang explains: “I really wanted to cast her, to ground the other performances.”
With both Wang and Lu Hong in Nai Nai’s home town of Changchun making a movie it would seem that the grandmother would eventually find out about her illness.
But no, Wang told her the film was about a “family drama” and invited her on set to meet Zhao Shuzhen, the actress portraying Nai Nai, without revealing the full details.
Even though the film has been released in China, her grandmother still doesn’t know she has cancer.
The fact that she has survived for six years suggests the doctors and relatives might have been right to keep the truth from her.
The theory goes that the stress of facing a fatal illness can makes things worse for a patient.
Wang doesn’t know if the lie really has prolonged Nai Nai’s life, preferring questions to definite conclusions on this subject.
She comments: “I am not a doctor, it’s a good theory. The film isn’t about presenting an answer. I don’t have an answer more than anyone else.”
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‘I want to make people cry’
Having this family drama played out in cinemas across the world has clearly been an odd experience for Wang’s parents.
Wang says: “They never thought something so specific to our family could resonate with a global audience.”
But they are pleased the director’s movie has been so well received, because it has been a struggle for Wang to survive in such a competitive industry.
The director continues: “There’s always the lingering question, is she going to make it in her career? They were always scared, it’s given them so relief.
“It’s a tough industry for everybody, and it’s particularly tough if you’re an Asian American.”
Film studios had asked Wang to put white actors in the storyline and not to use any Mandarin.
Her decision to ignore them has been vindicated by the positive response from audiences and critics alike.
The Farewell picked up the Audience Award at London’s Sundance Film Festival and two American festivals.
It is now among the front runners to be nominated for a Best Movie Oscar and has got to be favourite for a Foreign Language statuette.
If Wang does pick up an Oscar she will be following in the footsteps of her boyfriend Barry Jenkins, who directed the 2017 winner Moonlight.
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She had no idea The Farewell would be a success, but realised she was onto something when audiences both laughed and cried during screenings.
Wang concludes: “I was told if you can make an audience laugh or cry then you’re fine, because you are making them feel something.
“The Farewell reminds people about family. People tell me that Nai Nai reminds them of their own grandmother.”
The Farewell is in cinemas.
