My girlfriend makes a lot of noise during sex. She moans very loudly, says all kinds of interesting things and orders me to do this and that. I have never been with such a demonstrative, sexually aggressive woman before, and it really gets me going. But recently, this has become a bit of a problem.
We have just moved into a house with some friends (three other couples) and one of my mates referred to my girlfriend as a “screamer” which, as well as bothering me, let me know the walls are thinner than I thought. I mentioned my concern to my girlfriend, but she just laughed it off and continues to vocalise loudly and profusely. Since then, I no longer enjoy sex as I am worried about being overheard. I imagine them all talking together and laughing about us, which is making it difficult for me to climax.
Do you think she can only enjoy sex when she expresses herself in this way? What can I do?
Your girlfriend may have become conditioned to being loud during lovemaking, and it may take some practice in order for her to lower the volume. I realise you are afraid of upsetting her, but in sharing living space with others it is obviously important to be respectful of the needs and boundaries of them, too.
Talk frankly with her in a positive way. For example, you could say that you love that she clearly expresses what she’s feeling when you make love, but since you moved in with other people, you have become concerned about disturbing them and perhaps there is a chance she could agree to be quieter. You could suggest waiting until everybody else is out.
A situation such as this is an important test of your compatibility as a couple; learning to problem-solve as a team should be a vital, long-term goal, as well as encouraging empathy for the feelings and sensibilities of each other and your neighbours.
Having said that, many people are unable to immerse themselves so fully in erotic experience or to allow themselves to become truly abandoned. So be careful to praise, not shame your girlfriend for her special gift.
•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
•If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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