My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than three months, but he never climaxes when we have sex. We go at it for hours and I usually orgasm three or more times, but he never does, no matter how much I try. Yet, when he masturbates, he can do it within a minute or two. Sometimes I feel frustrated and insecure about not doing my job. Is there anything I can do?
Ask him. All you need to say is: “I’d love you to teach me exactly how to please you.” But he may prefer to orgasm by himself. Some men have a very specific masturbation style that is difficult to emulate, so don’t take it personally. Also, some people find it far easier to give pleasure than to receive it – they would benefit from trying to find a better balance (as would those who mainly prefer to be pleasured). There is also the element of distraction – some people have to work harder than others to avoid having their focus on achieving orgasm being interrupted. But it sounds as though your boyfriend is pleasing you very well; some women would consider him a perfect lover. You cannot control the timing of his climax. Unless you are trying to become pregnant, just let him be.
•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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