Mum says she feels intense sadness every time she feeds her baby because of rare ‘breastfeeding dysphoria’

Every time Deena Todd, 31, breastfed her daughter, Isla, now five, she felt strong feelings of dread, homesickness and anxiety which left her in tears.

Doctors told her she had postnatal depression but she wasn’t convinced as she only felt the intense emotions when she was about to breastfeed.

Researching online, she discovered dysphoric milk ejection reflex, also known as D-MER.

The condition is an anomaly of the milk release mechanism in lactating women which causes them to feel intense feelings of dysphoria just prior to their breasts releasing milk due to hormonal fluctuations.

Deena’s suspicions she had D-MER were confirmed when she suffered the exact same symptoms after the birth of second child Koby, eight months.

She is now speaking out to raise awareness of the illness, which she claims is almost unheard of in UK medical circles.

The mum-of-two said: ‘When your milk is let down your body is supposed to release feel good hormones to help with bonding, but if you have dysphoric milk ejection, your dopamine drops, which causes the dysphoria.’

‘The brief negative feelings range in severity from wistfulness to self-loathing, and appear to have a physiological cause.

‘The authors suggest that an abrupt drop in dopamine may occur when milk release is triggered, resulting in a real or relative brief dopamine deficit for affected women. ‘

Dopamine gets involved because in inhibits prolactin, which is what makes the milk. For prolactin levels to rise to make more milk, dopamine levels must drop.

When a new mother has D-MER, her dopamine will drop faster than usual, which is what causes the negative feelings.

Deena said: ‘The first time it happened was in hospital when I fed my daughter for the first time.

‘Initially I just felt the most intense bout of homesickness, I went to boarding school throughout my childhood and it was like the first day of that all over again.

‘Then this intense feeling of dread kicked in, it’s hard to explain but other mothers I know have described it as like killing a family dog.

‘After that, I would get severe bouts of anxiety, depression and homesickness every time I breastfed, which I started associating with my daughter.

‘It got so bad that when I knew I was going to pump, or breastfeed, I would just burst into tears knowing the feelings would come back.

‘These feelings only came on as I was breastfeeding, and right before I started but before I knew it was a condition I just thought it was a normal way that a woman felt after having a baby.

‘I knew I had to care for my daughter, but I also worried that the feelings wouldn’t go.

‘D-MER stopped me from being able to feel like a mum.

‘By the time I knew that what I was feeling was a genuine condition, the damage had been done, and I had already started to feel like I regretted having a daughter.

‘Once I realised that it was normal, and I had a name for how I was feeling, I knew it would pass and it felt amazing, I was just so relieved.’

She had no idea what the feelings were but during her first few days of motherhood, she says the sensation was so severe it left her regretting becoming a mother and she struggled to bond with her baby.

It was only after she diagnosed herself from online research in 2013 that she understood she was suffering from a real but little-known condition.

Deena visited her doctor who she claims dismissed her feelings off as postnatal depression.

But the mum said she couldn’t understand but she couldn’t understand how that could be when she only felt it right as she fed Isla.

She started digging and found forum after forum filled with mothers suffering the same issues – and realised what she was feeling had nothing to do with her skills as a mother or her daughter and was something she couldn’t control, which would pass after breastfeeding.

She is now determined to raise awareness by encouraging anyone who believes they may also have D-MER to speak out.

Deena said: ‘D-MER made me feel like a bad mother, or that I shouldn’t be one.

‘The problem with the condition is that because nobody knew anything about it, I thought it was me.

‘I didn’t know it was a condition and doctors brushed it off.

‘There’s nothing you can do to medicate this specific condition, you have to find your own way out, but it’s all about understanding why it’s happening and realising that it will go when you stop nursing.

‘When I had my second child, Koby, I knew what was wrong with me when I was breastfeeding, which made everything so much easier, I wasn’t scared, I had my own coping mechanisms.

‘We really need more doctors to know what this condition is, there will be mothers sat at home now who feel like they shouldn’t be mums.