BECOMING a mum changes you forever – but the permanent additions go far beyond your child.
Some of the physical changes stick with you years later, as part of the bodily furniture that confirms you are now a fully certified mother.
Amy Nickell
Here author Amy Nickell, 28, from Berkhamsted, Herts, who’s mum to Freddy, five, opens up about the ways her post-baby body has changed – and why it’s a bittersweet relationship…
Learning to live with my new bod…. Well, it’s a bit like a tiny slice of grief. You’ll adjust but you’ll never take away that loss. It’s no better or worse, but it is definitely different.
The physical changes might have been subtle – but they have been real. The female body really is a miracle, isn’t it?
It can harvest and grow an entire human being complete with its own DNA and everything. That, is amazing.
My post-partum t**s, however, not so amazing. Bringing me neatly on to my first change…
Amy Nickell
1. Bean bag boobs
It’s a bittersweet tale really, because it was an initial quadrupling in t*t size that prompted me to even think I might be pregnant.
However, as the Lord does giveth, he doth take away and five years later all that being a one-woman human dairy took its toll. Well, it was inevitable really, wasn’t it?
To add insult to injury, apparently one third of chicks go UP a size after pregnancy. And that’s without a pay day loan and trip to Bulgaria.
However, as I say in my book Confessions of A Single Mum and to quote Lord Tennyson (sort of) ‘is better to have loved and lost perky t*ts than to never have had perky t*ts at all’.
Amy Nickell
2. Not-so-designer vagina
I don’t want to go into the finer details because my son goes to a school where soon he and his IT savvy friends will be capable of using Google.
But let’s just say while I admire my Stretch Armstrong of a lady part – a Ventouse delivery was never going to leave things totally unscathed.
For those lucky enough to be unfamiliar with Ventouse, despite sounding like a Renaissance painter, it is code for baby hoover.
My son was Henry the Hoovered into the world by his noggin, and my love furniture bore the brunt of the trauma. I’ll leave the rest here to your imagination.
3. Wee little problem
I’m yet to take out shares in Tena Lady but let’s just say that trampoline parks have become slightly precarious.
Ever wondered why so many Mums are spectators only? We’re not fun suckers – we’re just more likely to wet our pants than any of the five-year-olds.
Amy Nickell
4. Holy cow
Overshare alert – I still find my body produces a small amount of milk every now and then.
It’s kind of like sneezing out of my nipples. Sorry if that put you off your Crunchy Nut cornflakes.
5. Putting your foot in it
My family wasn’t the only thing to get bigger – my feet did too. I was a size four when I got pregnant and now I am a size five.
Which is particularly annoying considering my expertly curated collection of shoes I’d built up in the spirit of a adolescence of Sex and the City shoe loving indoctrination.
However, there’s a lot more on my shoulders now so I guess it’s lucky I have a sturdier base.
Sadly, since becoming a mum, the time I used to spend in the pedicure seat of the beauticians is now ironically spent begging my son to put his shoes on.
So I resort to tending to my enlarged trotters with an ex-boyfriend’s Swiss Army knife instead of a pedicure.
My feet are not only bigger, they’re uglier too.
6. Makes scents
Pre-preggers I was all for anything that was what my Nan used to call ‘smelling like a tart’s handbag’.
My fave scent was that Tierry Mugler Angel which literally smells like a candy floss stand.
After having my baby, the stuff makes me wretch and now I like anything that’s labelled as unisex.
My current scent of choice being that one by Calvin Klein that everyone used in the 90s– a perfume I revered before baby.
But I once heard Kate Moss is a fan… unconfirmed if this was before or after the then baby Lila-Grace.
Amy Nickell
7. Skin deep
Since I got myself all pregnant, my face responded to the news by darkening in patches at the slightest glimpse of the sun – also known as melasma.
It’s in mourning… but only in patches. It sort of looks like someone has stained my face with a tea bag. Or a spray tan that’s gone dodgy at a pool party thanks to the chlorine.
Apparently, it’s due to hormonal changes and ‘surges’. Whatever it is, it’s bloody annoying and rears it’s head whatever SPF I wear.
I manage to cover it with make-up (Estee Lauder Double Wear is my saviour) and it fades during the winter.
But that didn’t stop a colleague telling me “I think you’ve newspaper print on your face”.
It’s known as the ‘mask of pregnancy’ and definitely my least favourite change.
8. Cheeky changes
This could well be an age thing, but after giving birth I lost my chubby cheeks.
However, in the spirit of this article I will claim it was my birth giving that led to my slimmer mug.
Whatever it was I actually prefer my new face – and didn’t have to finance any Harley Street clinic for the results so WINNER.
Amy Nickell
9. Tongues wagging
I’ve heard lots of ladies comparing notes on their changing tastes – women who couldn’t stand a curry and now go extra extra hot Vindaloo every time.
For me, my son brought me a newfound penchant for Chinese food. Something my JustEat account can testify to.
10. Wider waist
To be fair, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Since the day I had to ditch the underwired bras for nursing bras, things never entirely got back on track.
My torso did home a rugby ball but I do still mourn for my nipped in waist.
Apparently, your pelvis bone literally gets wider when you are pregnant and sometimes never completely restores to its original size.
On the plus, those ‘Mom’ jeans almost fit me now.
11. And finally…
The desire to do it all again.
WT actual F?!
So what do I do? Exercise. Wear hot underwear. Take nudes. Stop comparing myself to other women.
Like I said, it’s not better or worse, just different.
In more parenting news, this mum had sex just TWO HOURS after giving birth and jokes it ‘must have been all the drugs I was on’.
