'Maybe it's the antiquated Tories who need to modernise not the railway unions'

Columnist Mark Steel wonders why the Tories and the unions can’t seem to click. Surely the problem can’t be with the Conservatives who are perfectly modern and honourable….

The trouble with the railway ­unions is they are OUT OF DATE and must MODERNISE.

If they want more money, instead of mucking about with the old-fashioned practice of striking, their members should have an affair with Boris Johnson.

Within a month they’d all be offered a £100,000-a-year job in his office.

They should listen to Tory politicians who have explained that the unions are refusing to change with the times.

Because the Conservative Party is wonderfully up-to-date, full of figures such as Jacob Tik-Tok-Rees-Mogg.

And instead of following outdated practices, they work in the House of Parliament and the House of Lords, which have always been at the cutting edge of modern thinking.

So the rail unions should embrace the same practices as the MPs’ workplace.

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Train drivers should have to wear a gown and a wig, and stand over a mace announcing: “Mister passengers and madam commuters, is it not the case that the 7.35 to Huddersfield is delayed by 15 minutes?”

Then the platform staff should have to yell “Hear hear hear hear” because that would be modern.

Ministers have also made a strong case that the unions should show restraint, rather than make greedy demands.

They should follow the example of the rail companies’ shareholders. When the Government gave a subsidy for the business to get through the pandemic, the shareholders only took £500m for themselves in return for doing nothing.

They could have asked for £600m for doing nothing, but they showed restraint and settled for £500m, because that’s what Jesus would have done.

The next complaint that ministers make is that although their wage deal will make rail workers worse off, they shouldn’t complain because they won’t be as badly off as hospital workers.

It’s like a burglar saying you don’t deserve to get the television back that you stole off them because next door you took their carpets and all the cheese from their fridge as well.

But the most moving speeches by Tory MPs against the unions are when they tell stories such as: “I know someone who had a hospital appointment and now they cannot go because of this selfish strike.”

Because if there’s one thing this Government can’t stand, it’s when people can’t get somewhere because of a problem with the railways.

When someone can’t get to a hospital appointment because the train is so crammed you wish you were a battery chicken in a truck, as at least there would be a chance of being set free by an animal rights activist, the Tory Party are the first to speak out against the private companies.

When the prices double, so the peak fare makes it more ­expensive than hiring Leonardo DiCaprio to give you a piggyback, the Tories instantly condemn the companies for greed. In any case, this Government will ensure no one misses a hospital appointment because of train delays, as the appointment will be cancelled as the hospital’s falling to bits.

It’s one more example of their modern kindness.