Someone tell Channel Nine that two hours of wrong doesn’t make a right.
After the A-tier cast (minus Connie and Jonethen) had their chance to say goodbye over the weekend, Married At First Sight dribbled out the leftovers on Monday.
So if you didn’t like what I came up with yesterday, I doubt learning the fate of an old married couple and an old robot couple is going to do much for you today.
And the rest: After the A-tier cast (minus Connie and Jonethen) had their chance to say goodbye over the weekend, Married At First Sight dribbled out the leftovers on Monday
Seb and Liz
Never forget: As she lay in bed, her fake robot husband beside her, Liz was smacked with a sudden realisation: ‘Far out! I didn’t eat dinner, lunch or breakfast!’
As she lay in bed, her fake robot husband beside her, Liz was smacked with a sudden realisation.
‘Far out! I didn’t eat dinner, lunch or breakfast!’
A lack of daily nutrition goes some way to explaining her next quote.
‘I’m worried that I tend to be a gypsy in my own brain,’ she told producers of her struggles to visualise a future with Seb.
Concerns: ‘I’m worried that I tend to be a gypsy in my own brain,’ Liz told producers of her struggles to visualise a future with Seb. Nobody knew what she was talking about
It didn’t provide any clarity, but it did explain who’d been stealing all the cutlery.
Liz returned home to her parents, who spent the next week trying to convince her that Seb wasn’t the one.
‘He lacks direction, doesn’t have a savings plan and he’s just… all over the place!’ argued mum.
Hey mum, have you met LIZ? Here, let me show you this cool app called Instagram.
‘I stand corrected. You’re perfect for each other.’
The parent trap: Liz returned home to her parents, who spent the next week trying to convince her that Seb wasn’t the one. ‘He’s all over the place!’ mum complained. Sorry mum, have you seen Liz’s Instagram? They’re perfect for each other!
Mishel and Steve
Crocodile tears: After chopping some onions to get the crocodile tears flowing, Steve spoke about how much he was going to miss Mandy. ‘It’s Mishel, you idiot!’ yelled a producer
Down the hall, hipster barber Steve – who sounds a bit like Oliver Twist: All Grown Up – was busy chopping onions.
‘I just need five more minutes!’ he yelled at producers, who could now tick ‘how does Steve muster up the crocodile tears for every take?’ off their list of questions.
‘Why do I always do it?’ he bawled to the camera, making sure to wipe his eyes with his oniony fingers.
‘I’m going to miss Mandy so much!’
[Off-camera] ‘It’s Mishel, you idiot!’
Since you’ve been gone: Mishel spent the next week catching up with her friends (left) and deleting bad memories off her phone (right)
The Final Vows
Perfect! For some reason, Channel Nine decided to hold the final vows in a creepy abandoned forest. ‘Never mind us!’ said the 30 police offers nearby. ‘We’re just out here looking for Milats’
For some reason, Channel Nine decided to hold the final vows in a creepy abandoned forest.
‘Never mind us,’ said the 30 policemen who kept interrupting the shoot. ‘We’re just out here looking for Milats – standard procedure.’
Before walking out to face his certain death, Steve spoke to the producers about how he’d spent his time away.
Been busy? Before walking out to face his certain death, Steve spoke to the producers about how he’d spent his time away
His anecdote vocabulary consisted entirely of chocolate bar puns.
‘I fought everythin’ wuld be Cherry Ripe when I was back in my Melbourne Double Decker, but it turns out all my friends are Flakes,’ he said.
‘I can’t deny it, it’s been a Rocky Road.’
Smart move! Steve thought he’d been doing bugger all. Little did he know he’d actually been undergoing intense training for life in March 2020
Steve’s Vows
Steve’s Vows: ‘On our wedding day, I knew I’d met the love of my life. It was then that I realised I’d be spending the next six weeks stringing her along’
Now for the moment of truth.
‘Mishel, you look beautiful!’ he said, laying eyes on her for the first time in a week.
‘That’s a sloth, mate!’ yelled the executive producer. ‘Mishel’s in red.’
His vows were as predictable as can be.
Clarifications: ‘You were shaking like a leaf in your wedding dress. I held you and said, “It’s okay, we will get through this together.” At the time, you thought it was a promise, but you’ve since learned it was a threat’
‘On our wedding day, I knew I’d met the love of my life. It was then that I realised I’d be spending the next six weeks stringing her along,’ he said.
‘You were shaking like a leaf in your wedding dress. I held you and said, “It’s okay, we will get through this together.”
‘At the time, you thought it was a promise, but you’ve since learned it was a threat.’
Take my breath away: ‘Mishel, I will love you until my last breath,’ Steve said. ‘Oh my God, you’ll love me until the day you die?’ cried Mishel
He added: ‘You loved me for who I am and I feel I did the same in return. Mishel, I will love you until my last breath.’
‘Oh my God, you’ll love me until the day you die?’ cried Mishel.
‘Ah, no. I meant last breath in this speech… which was that one. I guess the communication could have been a bit better.’
Mishel had been saying that for almost three months.
Whoops! ‘Ah, no. I meant last breath in this speech… which was that one,’ he added. ‘I guess the communication could have been a bit better.’ Mishel had been saying that for almost three months. Decision: LEAVE
Mishel’s Vows
Michel’s Vows: Mishel had clearly spent the last two months smashing ‘like’ on every inspirational Instagram quote under the sun. She was dishing them out at the rate of someone at least two seasons more washed-up than her
Mishel had clearly spent the last week smashing ‘like’ on every inspirational Instagram quote under the sun.
She was dishing them out at the rate of someone at least two seasons more washed-up than her.
I call it the ‘Davina Rankin effect’. Haven’t heard of her? I rest my case.
She used her vows to call Steve out for the same rubbish she’d called him out for all season.
Somebody call the waaaaambulance! ‘You didn’t consider how I was feeling,’ Mishel whinged. ‘You kept telling me you weren’t attracted to me. It made me doubt my confidence’
‘You didn’t consider how I was feeling,’ Mishel whinged. ‘You kept telling me you weren’t attracted to me. It made me doubt my confidence.
‘This experiment has taught me that a person comes into your life for a reason, or a season.
‘Steve, our season is over. You have wasted my time.’
Mic drop: ‘This experiment has taught me that a person comes into your life for a reason, or a season. Steve, our season is over. You have wasted my time.’ Decision: DUMPED HIS A**
Liz and Seb’s Vows
Liz and Seb’s vows were relegated to the last 15 minutes of the episode, so they’re not going to get much coverage here, either
Liz and Seb’s vows were relegated to the last 15 minutes of the episode, so they’re not going to get much coverage here, either.
Seb did the trick where he fired off compliments, cut to commercial, and then came back firing off criticisms. Liz did the same thing but in reverse.
Joke’s on who? Seb did the trick where he fired off compliments, cut to commercial, and then came back firing off criticisms. Liz did the same thing but in reverse
One of them said ‘me robot Tarzan’ the other one said ‘me Instagram Jane’, and they rode off into the sunset.
If only that were literal.
Married At First Sight continues Tuesday at 7:30pm on Channel Nine
Me bored: One of them said ‘me robot Tarzan’ the other one said ‘me Instagram Jane’, and they rode off into the sunset. If only that were literal
