Lucky I stocked up on toilet paper, because Married At First Sight‘s final vows ceremony sure as hell gave me the s**ts.
After weeks of pulling strings until their fingers bled, the producers took Sunday off, safe in the knowledge their PR puppets could finally stand on their own two stumps.
Missing in action were the relationship experts, who made like a deadbeat dad on the Friday before ‘his weekend’ and disappeared completely.
Someone check the TAB.
…How boring I am: After weeks of pulling strings until their fingers bled, MAFS producers took Sunday off, safe in the knowledge their PR puppets could finally stand on their own two stumps
When last we left our reality-turned-Instagram stars, they were finally preparing to leave the experiment.
KC and Drew
Last night! On the last night before they left the experiment, KC told Drew she wasn’t feeling confident he was into her. ‘Stiff upper lip!’ he said, before going back to sleep
It was late at night when KC suddenly jolted out of her marital hotel bed.
‘Ouch!’ she screamed.
Drew awoke, assumed it must just have been KC’s fake boobs exploding again and rolled back over.
‘Drew, Drew, wake up! I have an ouch!’
‘My eyes are closed but I’m listening’ he lied.
‘Well it’s just that, whenever I bring up my doubts about your feelings, I never really get the “no babe, it’s fine!” from you?’
KC preceded to pour her heart out to Drew for a good 45 minutes, before realising he’d been asleep for a good 43.
All byyy myseeeelf: Drew retreated to his favourite rock in Cairns, where he spent the next three weeks learning to write, followed by one week of writing a poem
Connie and Jonnie
Fool me three times: ‘Jonnie has written “leave” three times and we’re still here!’ cheered ‘Crazy’ Connie, who still seems to think she’s on Survivor
‘Jonnie has written “leave” three times and we’re still here!’ cheered ‘Crazy’ Connie, who still seems to think she’s on Survivor.
The next morning, she spoke to producers about all the regrets she had during the experiment.
‘I think to myself all the time: “if only you did this, if only you didn’t do that!’ she began, clutching a hefty list in her hands.
‘Janine!’ the head producer yelled into the corridor, ‘cancel my two-o-clock!’
If only: But the positivity didn’t last and Connie found herself pouring her heart out to producers. ‘Janine!’ the head producer yelled into the corridor, ‘cancel my two-o-clock!’
Stacey and Michael
True underdog story: Despite the cheating, lies and backstabbing, Michael and Stacey were leaving as the experiments’ strongest couple
Despite the cheating, lies and backstabbing, Michael and Stacey were leaving as the experiments’ strongest couple.
‘Wow, I really didn’t see that coming!’ said John Aiken, in an interview from his home, which is conveniently located in the Channel Nine car park.
‘Wait a sec sorry,’ said the once respected psychologist, clearly distracted by a noise coming from the dumpster, or ‘loungeroom’ behind him.
[Off-camera] ‘Trish! I can see Froot Loops here, but I don’t see my powdered milk!? Don’t tell me you’ve been in Eveleigh trading with that flea Colin Fassnidge again?’
‘Well stringer cheese and a pack of NRL trading cards won’t get me my bloody breakfast, Trish!’
Since you’ve been gone: Weeks later, Stacey was spotted hitting up the daily drink specials at Adelaide’s equivalent of Coogee Pavillion – not that she was paying
The Final Vows
Wonder what will happen? The final 45 minutes were dedicated to the reading of excruciatingly generic and predictable vows
The final 45 minutes were dedicated to the reading of excruciatingly generic and predictable vows.
I quickly became bored and took some creative licence in my note taking – so keep that in mind before you bombard me with calls and emails. You know who you are.
Michael
Michael’s vows: ‘Stacey, when we met, I was a juvenile 34-year-old boy – then you saw my softer side, which didn’t help at all
Michael: ‘Geez, Wow. Stacey. Where do I start?’ he began.
Stacey: ‘At the beginning.’
Michael: ‘Yeah, that’s how it starts, so shut up!’
*Clears throat*
Michael: ‘Geez. Wow. Stacey. Where do I start? The past few months have been intense.
Bank on it: ‘But three weeks later I left my phone open to go to the bog and you saw my bank balance… ‘The rest, as they say, is history
‘When we met, I was a juvenile 34-year-old boy – then you saw my softer side, which didn’t help at all.
‘But three weeks later I left my phone open to go to the bog and you saw my bank balance…
‘The rest, as they say, is history. Does this make any sense?’
Stacey: ‘Ye…’
Michael: ‘Stop interrupting!’
Michael: ‘Does this make sense: Me have heart of snake, you have brain of elephant. Me never forgive, you never forget?’
Stacey: ‘Oh right, well no then.’
Will you BSB with me forever? ‘But I didn’t get your BSB, what was it again?’ Stacey asked. Michael’s decision: STAY
Stacey
Stacey’s vows: ‘Michael. It hasn’t always been easy, but you’ve been there for me when I needed you most. ‘So thanks for rocking up when my card got declined at David Jones yesterday arvo
‘Michael. It hasn’t always been easy, but you’ve been there for me when I needed you most.
‘So thanks for rocking up when my card got declined at David Jones yesterday arvo.
‘As the experiment went on, you made me feel comfortable and safe. But it wasn’t until I ordered the Eastern Rock Lobster with Herb Butter at Rockpool and you didn’t bat an eyelid that I knew this could be something special.
‘Now three months later and my feelings – and shoe collection – have never been stronger.
‘Sure, you have a massive drinking problem and cheated on me with Hayley, but as far as I’m concerned, you’re money!’
You’re money! ‘Sure, you have a massive drinking problem and cheated on me with Hayley, but as far as I’m concerned, you’re money!’ Stacey’s decision: STAY
KC
KC’s vows: KC spent three hours getting dressed for the MET Gala – before running out of time and throwing on a bed sheet
KC spent three hours getting dressed for the MET Gala – before running out of time and throwing on a bed sheet.
‘Wow. Drew. Who would have thought just a few months ago I was a failed actress living in LA?
‘Now I’m a failed actress on national TV’.
MET my match: ‘Wow. Drew. Who would have thought just a few months ago I was a failed actress living in LA? ‘Now I’m a failed actress on national TV’.
‘Even at times when you frustrated the crap out of me, I couldn’t help but falling for you.
‘I want to try together outside of the experiment. Will U B my ride or die?’ she concluded, in a line she stole from the Fast and the Furious franchise.
Hop on! ‘I want to try together outside of the experiment. Will U B my ride or die?’ she concluded, in a line she stole from the Fast and the Furious franchise. KC’s decision: STAY
Drew
You’re my strength: ‘KC, while I may not yet be falling for you, I do want really want to thank you. I’d also like to thank Muscle Max protein powders, for giving me the strength to carry on’
‘KC, while I may not yet be falling for you, I do want really want to thank you. I’d also like to thank Muscle Max protein powders, for giving me the strength to carry on.
‘I love that you have opened yourself up to me, almost as much as I love the sweet taste of banana and honey in Muscle Max’s new range of pre-mix smoothies.
He’s smooth! ‘I love that you have opened yourself up to me, almost as much as I love the sweet taste of banana and honey in Muscle Max’s new range of pre-mix smoothies
‘You haven’t been willing to move to Cairns, and my soft toy housemates have made things difficult – although not nearly as difficult as deciding which Muscle Max product to spend my 10% discount code on.
‘Use code “Muscles At First Sight” at checkout.
Not ready to move in together, Drew and KC insisted they would try to make it work long distance – and not just because it’s a condition of his new Muscle Max deal.
To the Max: Not ready to move in together, Drew and KC insisted they would try to make it work long distance – and not just because it’s a condition of his new Muscle Max deal. Drew’s decision: STAY
Connie
Connie’s vows: ‘When i first entered the experiment, I was an introvert with no self-esteem. We saw first hand the havoc that can wreak on a relationship
I haven’t covered these two boring sobs all season, so I’ll keep this brief.
‘When i first entered the experiment, I was an introvert with no self-esteem. We saw first hand the havoc that can wreak on a relationship.
‘You tried to leave, but I wouldn’t let you. Lawyers call that kidnap, I call it true love.
Not so fast! ‘You tried to leave, I wouldn’t let you. Lawyers call that kidnap, I call it love. ‘The judge also called it “kidnap”, hence why we’re doing our final vows at Goulburn Correctional’
‘Turns out the judge also called it “kidnap”, hence why we’re doing our final vows in a caravan at Goulburn Correctional.’
‘Our journey may be coming to an end, but my non parole period is just beginning.’
See you on the other side: ‘Our journey may be coming to an end, but my non parole period is just beginning’ Connie’s decision: LEAVE
Jonnie
Whatever: I can’t understand Jonnie at the best of times. He was going on about how Connie had ‘exploded into a massive fiery bird’ during the experiment
I can’t understand Jonnie at the best of times. He was going on about how Connie had ‘exploded into a massive fiery bird’ during the experiment.
‘Thanks for tonight!’ sent Connie in a text later that night.
Three minutes later, the message changed from ‘sent’ to ‘seen’ and that was the last they ever spoke.
SEEN: ‘Thanks for tonight!’ sent Connie in a text later that night. Three minutes later, the message changed from ‘sent’ to ‘seen’ and that was the last they ever spoke. Jonnie’s decision: LEAVE
