Dear Coleen
My husband of 35 years has reluctantly confessed to having an affair 32 years ago and fathering a child. He said it lasted less than a year and it was his decision to end it. He claims he didn’t know the child was his at the time – which I don’t believe – and I find it sad he didn’t take on the responsibility.
The affair began when our first-born was four weeks old and the woman involved is a distant family member on his side. Some of his relatives knew about it, which is humiliating.
He only came clean after the child contacted him, and he claims there were threats to reveal the affair, as well as talk of financial gain.
I feel the past 32 years have been a lie, but I’m trying not to let the betrayal ruin every memory. Inevitably, our lives will never be the same again.
Our children don’t want to see their dad, but I hope in time they can rebuild their relationships.
My husband is sorry for the pain he’s caused and it’s hard to see him hurting. I think he believes it’ll blow over in time and things will gradually return to normal, but how is that possible?
I want to be strong and move forward, but I have mixed emotions. I’d truly appreciate your advice – I always read your page, but never imagined I’d be writing to you myself.
Coleen says
If you are to move forward, relationship counselling would be a good idea.
Your husband must realise it’s not going to “blow over” – it’s a huge betrayal and a lot of people are hurt.
You have to confront it, get right into the heart of it and work through it.
Of course he’d rather stick his head in the sand because he feels guilty, but that’s not an option.
The longer you keep a secret like this, the harder it becomes to admit to it and I’m sure he was terrified of losing you. I’m not making excuses for him, but I can see how he might have got himself into this mess by making wrong decision after wrong decision and possibly even lying to himself.
I don’t think you can blame his child, who’ll be looking for answers and hoping to find a sense of identity. And I think that’s an important message to relay to your own kids. Perhaps your husband can write to your children, apologising and explaining how he feels – it would be a start.
I understand your anger and humiliation, and it was probably also hard for your husband’s relatives to keep this secret. I would imagine they feel pretty bad about it, too.
His decisions have impacted a lot of people, but we’re all capable of making bad choices and, as awful as this seems, I think it is possible to get through it.
I don’t think it cancels out all the happy times you’ve spent together and the life you’ve built. You’re right, things won’t be the same again, but they can still be good with a lot of effort if your husband is willing to open up.
If he agrees to counselling, maybe you could then progress to family counselling if your kids agree.
The most important thing is not to make rash decisions based on pride and anger. Give it time to work out how you genuinely feel with a more rational mindset, and counselling will give you that time and space.
