FACE buried in the sumo’s ample bosom, I could smell the sweet scent of victory – or was it sweat?
Either way, I was edging hefty Hori San from the ring. Feet slipping on the sandy floor, arms wrapped around his planetary waist, I was making good progress — until he picked me up.
6
Swinging me around by the back of my loincloth, the portly athlete dropped me unceremoniously from the dohyo ring.
I was at Kehaya-za Sumo Museum, in Nara prefecture, near Osaka — an attraction that combines the nation’s reverence for tradition with a side order of its silly side.
Visitors learn the mythological history of Japan’s national sport, watch three very old gents sing a jinku sumu folk song then witness a knackering three-round sumo match.
Oh, then they dress you up in a sumo outfit and challenge you to a fight.
6
If you thought donning a fat suit and topknot wig might be an insult to their revered ancient sport, think again.
Whether you opt to fight in a fat suit — which, don’t ask me how I know, is anatomically correct below the belt — or just the mawashi (loincloth), you will come away with newfound respect for the power of the sumo wrestler — and a gruesome wedgie.
I’d flown out for this crash course in Japanese culture with British Airways on their new direct Heathrow to Kansai Airport route.
Launched just in time for the Rugby World Cup, Kansai is a great entry point for fans hoping to catch one of the four matches at Osaka’s Hanazono Rugby Stadium — or for travellers looking to visit Osaka, Nara or Kyoto.
6
My plush digs were in the heart of Osaka, at the 5H Conrad Hilton which occupies the top floors of a riverfront skyscraper.
From my room on the 39th floor, Osaka Castle looked like a tiny origami model, surrounded by a concrete sea lapping at the distant Kongo mountain range.
The room rates may be hefty but you needn’t be on a sumo-sized budget to afford dinner at the high-end C: Grill restaurant.
A stunning eight-course set menu including foie gras and wood-grilled Wagyu beef is from just £59.90. Especially good value, as leaving a tip is considered an insult in Japan.
The country’s second-largest city, Osaka boomed in the 1920s as a trading and commercial centre.
Straight-talking locals in “the city of merchants” have a reputation for being more friendly and funny than their uptight Tokyo neighbours. Think Manchester versus London.
6
And while this concrete jungle might not be Japan’s most beautiful city, I was lucky enough to see it at its finest with the cherry blossom in full bloom.
Hanami, or flower-watching, is an annual tradition across Japan, in which you sit below the cherry-blossom trees, often by a river, and ponder the transience of life as represented by the flowers’ fleeting bloom.
But mostly, it’s about drinking too much with your workmates.
In this spirit, I took a traditional Japanese pleasure boat with Yakatabune Cruises, for a set lunch menu with plenty of sake.
As I sailed down the Dotombori, past a springtime eruption of pink and white petals, I could make out junior office workers hunting for the perfect alfresco boozing spot for their colleagues.
6
As well as the aforementioned drinking, shotgunning a cherry- blossom picnic site is a rite of passage for young “salarymen”.
Known as the dowtown of Japan, Osaka is famous for its nightlife, comedy scene and street food.
The bright lights of Dotonbori offer a riot of noise and tastes.
Don’t leave without trying Osaka’s most famous street food takoyaki — a fried, ball-shaped octopus- and-batter snack.
GO: Osaka
GETTING THERE: Return flights between London and Osaka are from £587 per person with British Airways.
For details and booking, see ba.com.
STAYING THERE: British Airways Holidays is offering four nights’ room only at the 5H Conrad Osaka from £1369 per person, travelling on selected dates in February and including return flights from Heathrow.
Book by October 1, at ba.com/japan.
As for bars, they range from chilled-out Folk Rock Bar Phoebe, run by husband and wife owners Tatsuo and Keiko who play retro vinyl, to Japan’s wildest clubs and even the odd English pub.
Try one of the tiny “snack bars” packed on top of one another in busy buildings.
These kitsch retro hangouts are usually full of middle-aged businessmen singing karaoke ballads and the Tenma area is a great spot to find an authentic one.
6
If you hire a good local guide, you might even be able to find a restaurant offering incredibly cheap nomi hodai — meaning “all you can drink”.
Last Sunday, Heineken even organised unlimited beer for one of the 25-minute train rides from the Italy-Namibia match, at the Hanazono stadium, back to Osaka’s central station.
Surely a recipe for chaos in any nation but Japan.
With all that free-flowing booze, let’s hope that Owen Farrell and his England teammates can keep their mind on training in between games.
And lads, some advice from a man who lost a scrum to a sumo: If you end up playing Japan, just watch out for those wedgies.
IT’S SLICE OF LIFE
LEARN THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI: “Straight, straight!” yelled my teacher as I waved my razor-sharp katana sword, above, like a wet fish. It took a while, but by the end of my class, my patient sensei at a the Battodo samurai sword class in Osaka had me slicing through a rolled-up tatami mat like it was butter. For similar experiences see osaka-info.jp.
PICK YOUR OWN CUPPA: Matcha green tea is all the rage on the health-food scene but in Japan it’s still a largely ceremonial tea. Yet at Wazuka Tea fields, near Uji City outside Osaka, they have embraced the trend and make matcha-infused everything. Visitors can pick their own tea, before enjoying a cuppa and some delicious matcha dishes, made with their very own freshly plucked tips, at D:matcha Kyoto Cafe & Kitchen. See dmatcha.com.
MAKE A HOLY PILGRIMAGE: The Kumamoto Kodo walk in the wild and mountainous Wakayama region, south of Osaka, is an ancient pilgrimage route now popular with hikers. Finishing at the Kumano Hongu Taisha Grand Shrine, at Oyunohara, tours are available from two-week treks to a 4km stroll. The ancient woodland and tiny villages are stunningly scenic. See en.visitwakayama.jp.
COOK LUNCH IN A HOT SPRING: Yunomine Onsen, also in Wakayama, is a hamlet of inns tucked away in a deep valley. Take a dip in the hot spring, where purification rituals have been performed by generations of pilgrims. Or just boil an egg. Locals still use the hottest parts of the boiling river for cooking, so bring any ingredients you fancy and try boiling your dinner in the communal cooking pool by the river’s edge. See en.visitwakayama.jp.
