Lean On Me: My friend confessed he has feelings for me. How can I get our friendship back?

Hi Kate,

I need your advice.

Last year I made a new friend. We had loads in common, debated about everything from football and food to politics and TV and I was really excited to have him in my life. Making friends in your mid 20s is no mean feat.

However, my friend confessed to having feelings for me and, while I explained how much I cared for him as a mate, he has distanced himself and told me that he can’t be as close and friendly with me as we were. We now hardly speak.

I appreciate we might have been on different pages but I miss him – is there anything I can do?

Sarah, 25

Hi Sarah,

I’ll tell you what I believe has happened here.

You and this guy have interpreted your entire friendship differently, right from that first debate about football or politics.

You thought you were making one of those lovely, late-20s friends. You thought you were getting to know a guy who’d be your mate.

Meanwhile, he thought he was getting close to a woman he fancied right from the start.

All that squabbling about things that matter to you, all that new chemistry between you? He probably thought it was emotional foreplay for a relationship.

He had that special kind of hope you have for a new romance, all while you were busy thinking of him as your pal.

Then he confessed his intentions to you and he was likely crushed when you left his feelings unrequited. He has put the distance between you that he needs to cope with that rejection and I’m afraid you have to respect that.

It would absolutely be my instinct – and I have been in your position – to insist on a continued friendship between you.

I get it; you care about this guy and you don’t see why you can’t have him in your life. It all seems simple to you, because you’re not the one who stands to get hurt here.

You need to consider that he may never have seen you as just his buddy. He may have always felt romantically attached to you and this is just him respecting your decision not to reciprocate.

Sometimes people make this kind of friendship work, sometimes they find a way to stay in each other’s lives. But he may not be ready to even try that just yet.

Maybe it hurts him every time he sees your name flash on his mobile phone screen.

Maybe it hurts him to spend time with you, when he can’t be with you the way he wants.

Maybe his heart broke a little bit the day you told him you just wanted to be friends.

Give this guy some time and space to heal. In a few months, you could gently check in with him and say that you miss hanging out.

Let him know that you still want to be friends and say that if he’s ever up for a beer or a walk in the park or a phone call, you’re there.

Beyond that, I really do think he’s laying down his boundaries here and you need to let him do that.

You can totally be offended and take it personally, in your own time. A woman’s friendship is a precious thing and I’m sure you have found yourself thinking, ‘Isn’t that enough?’ or ‘Well, if he can’t have me as his girlfriend, surely he still wants me as his friend?’.

Try to imagine that you had real feelings for someone and they said they didn’t want to be with you. Then imagine trying to play it cool and be friendly with them, like nothing’s changed.

It would be heartbreaking and difficult.