“In our home, we have very clear rules about no violent video games for our kids. But when my son goes over to some of his friend’s homes, the boys are playing games I would never say yes to. I am intermittently angry, frustrated and desperate. I am upset that my son is seeing things I would never agree to. It’s also putting me in a very awkward position with other parents. I don’t want to legislate what they do with their kids, but I also don’t want my son to be at their house when this is happening. Nor do I want my son to lose out on being with his friends. Help!”
This is a very complicated and nuanced issue, and you are not alone in how you are feeling. Many parents struggle with this very same dilemma. Perhaps, by taking a moment to step back, while identifying major themes, will help you discover a practical approach, along with the confidence you need to step forward with something that is not sitting right with your house rules.
While there are many ways to look at this, it is essential to address what happens when the values you hold as precious are not being supported by the wider community. Specifically, how do you begin to address this with both your son and the parents whose house rules differ from yours? And how do you do this in such a way that you honor the ways of other families, while offering your son a respectful response, while standing up for what you value? This truly is the proverbial razor’s edge. And yet, if you can walk it there is so much to be gained here for everyone involved.
Based on your question, it seems clear that you have identified violent video games as being in conflict with what you value. You have already taken the most essential step in this equation — that being, getting clear on your values. Too often we as parents are starting with the technologies when in truth, we must begin with what we believe is most important in raising healthy children. This then becomes the lens through which you make all of your choices regarding your son. And this then becomes exactly what you need to live in order to send a clear and strong message to your son about standing behind your values. Even, and perhaps most especially when, it is difficult to do so.
Knowing what you stand for sets the stage for having conversations with others. For if you are clear that violent images contradict the messages you are trying to impart in your home, it then becomes easier to explain this to your son, or to another parent. At its very core, this is about putting your values to work in the service of what it is that you believe your child most needs to grow healthfully and well. It’s also about what it is that creates the kind of home you can feel good about. This is only yours to decide. No one else can tell you what you should hold as essential for the life of your family.
And when you find yourself in doubt or confusion, get in the habit of regularly asking yourself, “Is this choice in alignment with our family’s values?” For instance, if virtues like kindness, peace, non-violence and respect for life are what are most important to you, it becomes obvious, a no-brainer really, that violent content would never fit in with this equation.
How can we possibly raise our children in healthy and life-affirming ways if the environments outside of our homes do not recognize or honor the values we hold? Unfortunately, we live in times when we cannot expect the outside world to support what we are trying to do in our homes. This is what you are really up against here. For at its best, your friends, extended family and the communities that you engage with give you a hand up in the raising of your son. This is something we all need in order to do right by our children’s childhoods. It is far too difficult for any of us to be making solid choices for our children when the outer environments do not support the values we use to structure our homes.
Therefore, what are you to do when the reality of different house rules in different homes conflicts with yours? What presents itself here is an opportunity for you to step forward with another person based on your values. As with any potentially difficult conversation with another person, it is always best to remember a few basic things. First, get clear on your position. Not in a defensive way, not even in relation to what another parent is doing, but purely based on why it is that this is so important to you that your son not be involved in violent play. Next, see if you can find a time to talk with the parent who is allowing the video games. A time when you will not be interrupted, and a time when it is most likely that you can be in an open and unhurried state of mind.
These kinds of conversations are always best done in person, or next best, over the phone. Never by email. Never by text. Sensitive conversations like this require far more than words on a screen can offer. And while it may feel easier and less awkward to do it this way, you can pretty much guarantee that communications of this nature across a screen will be misconstrued. With hard feelings sure to follow.
Finally, when you do have the conversation, use only “I” statements, and avoid accusations or implications that their choices are somehow sub-par. Begin by letting them know just how difficult this is for you, and that in no way are you judging or disrespecting them. Ask them to please understand that you are trying to raise your son in a way that makes sense to you. And then, ask them for their help. Let them know that you are struggling because you love that your sons are friends, but that the video games go against your house rules. See if they might be able to offer a solution.
Do not school them on why violence is bad for children. If they ask why you don’t allow the games, keep it brief, letting them know what your concerns are without in any way trying to convince them that they should do the same. Or worse, saying or implying that they are a negligent parent for allowing it. This part is none of your business. You are only here to represent your son and your values. So as soon as you find yourself trying to prove or convince them of anything, back away. Just like you have a right to raise your son in a way that makes sense to you, so do they.
Overall, the tone that you bring to this encounter is crucial. For you to find a successful resolution requires that you do not pit yourself against the other parent. They, like you, are doing the very best they can with what is available to them. Therefore, it is best to think of the two of you as being on the same team; both invested in raising happy, healthy children. Both invested in getting your sons together in a way that works for everyone. Stay as open as you can, and propose that the conversation be ongoing. And then, give it time. Give the other parent the space to digest all that you have said.
At first glance, it can seem that when we hold different values than those around us, there will be no way to overcome the differences. That there has to be a good guy and a bad guy. And yet, we might just be surprised by what is possible when we choose to openly stand for what we stand for while standing shoulder to shoulder with another; giving them the space to stand for what they stand for. This is not an easy thing to do. And yet, it is quite possibly one of the most powerful legacies you can pass on to your son. Not to mention the world.
Susan McNamara is a certified holistic health counselor and holds a masters degree in counseling psychology. As an adjunct professor at Westfield State University, she explores the impact technology has on students’ health and well-being as part of an overall curriculum on stress reduction.
To submit a technology-
related parenting conundrum to her, email her at
thefarmatavalon@
hotmail.com.
