Never let it be said that Jeremy Clarkson keeps his opinions to himself.
This time, the Grand Tour host went on an epic rant about airport security, duty free and people in tracksuits as he and Richard Hammond attempted to test new concepts for motorised hand luggage at London Stansted.
‘Here we are at London Stansted, which is located nowhere near London,’ he began.
So far, so true.
‘Here we are, Wetherspoons with runways and miles of tape to make your life worse, and why do you need a two hour check in?’ he continued.
‘Two hours to get my suitcase from the check in desk to just behind that wall over there? Two hours?’
Fair point, Jez, but up next is security.
‘Good, security, time to take all my clothes off and give someone my toothpaste. And do you know the worst thing?
‘The idiocy of people in these queues beggars belief – look at her shoes, she looks like Elton John in Tommy, it will take her three hours to take each one of those off – and take your laptops out now in the queue, not when you get there.
‘I came here on a train, 2000 people on it and no security at all, go on an airplane and “oh well we’ll do this”.’
Oh yes, Jeremy is not happy, and especially when his bag gets a special search.
‘You’ve been through an X-Ray machine,’ he says, exasperated.
‘When you go to hospital you X-Ray someone’s leg and you say “it’s not broken I can see that but let’s just cut your flesh open to make sure”, they know, it’s been X-Rayed why are they looking again?’
And there’s more to come for Jeremy as it’s duty free time.
‘And then you’re straight into a shop, which wouldn’t be so bad if it sold something you actually wanted, but no all they sell is perfume,’ he complained.
Adverts, and slogans also come under fire in Jeremy’s rant before he decides it’s time to start his own company.
‘I am going to start an airline called I’ll Take My Chances and you turn up, get on the plane and it takes off,’ he suggested.
‘No one on board smells like Victoria Beckham, no security, nothing and if it blows up it blows up, not that you can say “blows up” in an airport because then you have to go prison for 400 years.’
Jeremy then spies a woman in a bright pink tracksuit – ‘why is she in a tracksuit? She’s not going on a fighter jet! She’s going to Spain!’ – before getting to his main issues, the distance to the gates.
‘A 10-minute walk to gate? The distance from the bag drop here to the gate is 1.2km and in Atlanta the walk to the furthest gate two kilometres, and in Beijing it’s two miles!
‘The astonishing miracle is so far I haven’t been run over by one of those carts going “beep beep beep warning fat bastard on board”.’
The rant came during episode 12 of the third season of the hit Amazon Prime show, which has already caused controversy when Richard reignited the trio’s feud with Argentina by calling the country ‘God’s cesspit’.
Jeremy Clarkson famously managed to rile millions of citizens back in 2014 when he drove through Patagonia for an episode of Top Gear with a license plate number which read H982 FKL, sparking complaints the vehicle was referring to the Falklands War.
The presenter was chased out of Argentina but it appears the trio still are still bearing a grudge, as Richard couldn’t resist having another pop at the Argentinians during the latest episode.
Jeremy turned to his merry men and began: ‘You know how we’ve always said Canada is God’s pantry and that Saudi Arabia is his petrol station?’
To which Richard interrupted: ‘Yeah: Lancashire is his cupboard under the stairs, our tent’s about to blow down… Argentina is his cesspit.’
We’ve come to expect nothing less.
The Grand Tour is available to stream on Amazon Prime now.
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