I bonded with my best university buddy over many things: student radio, bland pasta, failing to talk to girls at parties, and the paradoxes of time travel, notably in the Back to the Futures, the Bill & Teds, Quantum Leap and the Terminators. In classic best friend one-upmanship, neither of us claimed to be any cop at talking to girls at parties, but both claimed to be the bigger Terminator fan. With every new Terminator movie since, I’ve dragged said mate to the cinema and sat with childlike, open-mouthed delight through an average-at-best film. I’m not sure why I like Terminator so much. I don’t know much about politics, literature or art. But when it comes to time-travelling robots, I’m a complete sucker.
In Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, John Connor and Claire Danes defeat the red leather lady Terminatrix and head off hoping to disable a non-existent Skynet HQ, only to seal their fate in a nuclear bunker. Terminator: Salvation is the one where Christian Bale went ballistic at the director and hasn’t even got Arnie in it, but it does take Terminator 2 down an alternative timeline. And talk of timelines gets me going.
Terminator Genisys has a 2015 Arnie fighting a 1991 Arnie. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? And Terminator: Dark Fate begins with a decommissioned Terminator Arnie having integrated himself into society, with an actual human family and a job selling curtains. (I’m not making this up). How my mate and I guffawed on the way home from the cinema, concocting various plots to Terminator: The Sitcom where a retired Terminator with a loveable family inadvertently terminates the fridge, the postman, the goldfish, the cat. “He’ll be back – same time, next week.” Arf.
The only snag with my massive Terminator love-in is, erm, I’ve never actually seen the original. In fact, I’ve refused to watch it, just to irritate my mate. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the sort of relationship we have.
***
[Transcript of text messages]
Me: Guess what I’m doing?
Mate: Eating a sandwich?
Me: No. About to watch a film.
Mate: Well, it’s obviously not Terminator 1.
Me: I am watching Terminator 1. For work!
Mate: I feel cheated on. Just before you start, as I fear this might be crucial. Arnie is the bad guy.
Me: Eh?
[Film starts. Naked Arnie time-travels back from 2028 to 1984]
Me: You can see Arnie’s willy!
Mate: Yes, Arnie’s got a big part.
[Some time later].
Mate: So are you finally understanding where all the references started?
***
Good question. It’s aged terribly. With all the perms, sleeveless T-shirts, Honey Maid Graham Crackers, gum, neon lights, Moog modular synthesisers and smoking in the office, could The Terminator be any more 1980s? Also, the bits with Kyle Reese in the dystopian robot future are pants. I know it was was low budget, but what did they spend the money on? Did special effects really advance that significantly in the eight years between this and Terminator 2? The music is awful. And weirdest of all, Arnie DOESN’T HAVE ANY EYEBROWS!
Evil Arnie is certainly scary as he blankly guns down innocent bystanders and unfortunately named Sarah Connors. Interestingly, early-model Arnie only boots ups with 16K of RAM. Even my ZX Spectrum had 48K.
Overall, I found The Terminator slow-paced, dated, boring, blurry and easily the worst Terminator film I’ve ever seen. And for time-travel paradoxes, it’s a biggy. Best get in an expert.
***
Me: So if John Connor was only born when Kyle Reese goes back in time to save Sarah Connor, how come John Connor was alive in the future to send back his own dad to impregnate his mum?
Mate: Well, in Back to the Future, we accept the 1985 Marty McFly has been born before he goes back to 1955. Thus we should also accept the 2028 John Connor has been born. It’s just that he needs to send his dad back to 1984 to ensure it.
Me: And if you could travel back in time and kill someone, who would you kill?
Mate: Aside from you?
