No one chooses to be an incel – the contraction means ‘involuntarily celibate’ – and yet many men self-identify as such.
Their belief is that they are rejected by women who withhold and manipulate sex for their own gain. It’s full of abusive messages towards women, one of which reads ‘she’s too ugly to be raped’.
‘INCELS ARE NOT A GROUP. INCELS ARE NOT A PARTY. INCELS ARE NOT AN IDEOLOGY,’ one incel forum user vehemently tells us.
If you enter the manosphere – online male communities such as on Reddit and 4chan – you’ll find ideological groups dedicated to women-bashing and categorising men into an arbitrary hierarchy.
Incels believe that at the top of society sit Chads – a ‘douchey white man in his late teens to early twenties, obsessed with fitness’, but the term is used to describe any man who is good-looking and definitively, unlike incels, ‘gets’ women.
The men deemed to have the least sex appeal seem to be minorities; Indians are referred to as currycels, East Asians as ricecels and black incels as Tyrones.
But terms steeped in racism are not enough to deter these men from the movement.
Even those at the milder end of the incel spectrum may be vulnerable to radicalisation, especially when they feel their interests and concerns aren’t being heard.
The ideology of the group was scorned by the mainstream public following the fatal violence of Elliot Rodgers, who killed six people and injured 14 others in an attempt to ‘overthrow all the Chads and Stacys’, and Alek Minassian, who was behind the Toronto van attacks.
They propelled the concept of incels to the mainstream.
But there’s a spectrum within the incel community. Not all of these men subscribe to violent attitudes to women.
For some the world of incels is a like-minded communal space to vent about their frustrations as they grapple with loneliness and other bleak aspects of their lives.
Josh* is one person who found a safe haven among the group, but quickly discovered its darker side.
‘It’s a pretty toxic community like all online communities if you stay long enough,’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
‘This place was a heaven for me in the first few months but then it slowly became an inescapable hell.’
He is trying to wean himself off the group after realising the male camaraderie doesn’t translate to real-life settings, whereby he is subject to physical violence on account of being black.
‘It’s hard when you’ve basically conditioned yourself to think that you’re a part of a community even when over half of that community is basically an alt-right haven that would try to shoot you in the event of a mass shooting,’ says Josh.
One thing that is obvious from chatting to these men is how naturally the idea of being an incel comes to them – it’s as simple as being born left-handed, says one, you either are or aren’t.
‘I self-identify as an incel because of the same reason I self-identify as brown-haired: because it is true,’ says Chris.
‘It gives us a place and identity to speak with other like-minded people and share experiences, ideas, possible solutions.
‘We can vent to others who are in similar circumstances to our own. Pretty much the same reasons anyone would associate with any group about anything really.’
Ant, another self-identified incel, echoes these sentiments, saying: ‘It’s an amazing community to meet people in similar situations. It’s always nice to meet new people you relate to.
‘As an incel, there tends to be very few people around you that relate, everyone I know has been in many relationships. It feels extremely lonely and being part of the community makes me feel not alone in my struggles.’
While it may be easy for us to write off the entire incel community as an angry, violent minority, it is telling that the current climate is making men feel inadequate enough that they’re tempted to join abusive communities.
Those who haven’t been accepted into society (whether for their looks or personality) look for acceptance elsewhere.
‘These types of misogynistic groups are designed to make men who feel insecure about their lives and suffer from low self-esteem to feel more empowered and more powerful,’ psychologist and author Jonathan Hoban tells Metro.co.uk.
‘People feel lost, angry and unwanted by society and overall let down. Millions of pounds that were used to fund youth clubs, mentorships, schemes and positive environments/communities have pretty much all gone.
‘It was here that we used to be able to capture, train and channel in a positive way any frustrations, anger and difficult emotions into something worthwhile and positive like sport, cooking, music etc.
‘Take these away, you take away guidance and love.’
Isolation and low self-esteem aren’t feelings unique to men.
Loneliness is a genderless cultural problem, with millennials in particular reporting mental health problems as a result of feeling alone.
But the way we react to these feelings may have something to do with our gender.
A study from Newcastle Business School at Northumbria University found that ‘women tend to internalise and personalise the experience of their mistakes.
‘For men, by contrast, feelings were more likely to be externalised, directed outwards through anger at others, blaming “pressures” of the system or emphasising the particularities of the context in which they were operating.’
Men may be conditioned to blame others, such as women, for difficulties in life.
Even when it comes to addressing the racism within the community, the culpability is reserved for women; incels who call Indians currycels are not being racist, it’s the women who are making them undateable, they argue.
‘What incels do is take off the sugar coat out of it and say it like it is: “Racist women are rejecting you because you’re black or Indian, even if they make up any other false reason”,’ says Ranjeet.
When one incel refers to the other with a derogatory term, they see it as them doing one another a favour, to further fuel their hate against women who supposedly perpetuate the hierarchy.
Despite being openly sadistic towards one another, they see using these terms as bluntly exposing the sentiments of women.
Nitesh reiterates this point: ‘Women are the ones being racist against Indian and black incels.
‘Incels are the only people on the planet that let Indians know they have it harder than the rest of us on this planet.’
But the solidarity isn’t enough to convince all members to stay. The hateful undercurrent of the incel community is driving Josh away.
He tells us: ‘I don’t have much in common with other incels in these communities because I’m black, progressive, and short.
‘The cycle of self-deprecation, self-loathing, and hate towards women is draining and counterproductive to one’s personal wellbeing.’
So where can Josh, or others like him, go?
Not everyone finds solace in incel communities because they hate women, some are simply lonely or have mental health issues, making it hard for them to socialise.
There are threads where men say they’re struggling with depression and just want someone to validate their experiences to feel less lonely.
It’s difficult to defend the sensibilities of men part of a dangerous movement that has attacked its victims, but there’s are shades of grey within the community.
Not all incels agree with the violence proposed by other members, and some are genuine, vulnerable, and desperate for a place where they will feel heard.
Some will openly reject and call out incels who propose aggressive action against women.
Andy tells us: ‘Anyone who condones violence is a psychopath just latching onto the incel community to justify their actions.’
While we might not be able to diminish the appeal of a space with no social rules, where men are free to say whatever they like and express their frustrations without judgement, we can attempt to change the context that makes these places their only option.
We may be able to stop some of the men in our lives being radicalised before they’re too far gone.
*Names have been changed.
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