I’ve been with my girlfriend for five months and I’m absolutely crazy about her. She lives abroad, so when we see each other we want to make it special. Everything about our sex life is amazing, until it comes to intercourse, when I can’t maintain an erection. It’s really getting me down and, to be honest, I don’t feel like a man. I think to myself: “What if she thinks it’s her?” and I tell her it’s not, but I just don’t know what it is. I find her so sexually attractive and I just want to show her how much – but when this happens, I’m just so embarrassed. Any help would be massively appreciated.
Long-distance relationships can be maintained well, but there are frequently accompanying anxieties and pressures. It is understandable that you would consider every moment you have together as special and important, but this creates enormous performance anxiety for you, which can negatively affect any man’s erectile capacity. Help her to understand this fact, and decide together to try to have very relaxed, easy sex that is simply pleasure-focused rather than goal-oriented. Stop expecting fabulous sex the moment you see each other, and instead plan some non-sexual fun such as dinner or an outing to give yourselves time to warm up. When you feel fully relaxed, approach lovemaking without any expectations. If you set out to please and arouse her in non-penetrative ways – and seek her feedback regarding this – you will take the pressure off your wish for erections “on demand”.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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