The dilemma I am trying to understand why the world I live in seems increasingly to be an angry one. Whether it’s drivers in cars, commuters on public transport, employees at utility companies, teachers at my children’s school… Everyone seems to be frazzled and ready to fight. I feel it myself. I have three teenage daughters and all they seem to do is sit on their phones and flounce around the house dropping dirty underwear as they go. If I ask them to get off their phones they treat me like I’m violating their human rights. They also complain about being exhausted all the time when all they have to do is attend school and maintain their social lives. Meanwhile, I am holding down a job, a home, a marriage, caring for my elderly dad and managing a diary for all five of us. Yet I’m never allowed a lie-in or a chance to recharge my batteries. Then, at night, I can’t tear myself away from Facebook. I know it’s natural to become baffled by the world as you get older, but I’m only just 50 and didn’t expect it to happen so soon!
Mariella replies And breathe… I don’t think we’ll need to wait for global warming to finish us off. We’re likely to overheat and self-combust long before then. Thanks for writing. I suspect you’ll have struck a chord, albeit a discordant one, with many. We do indeed live in angry times. Whether it’s the big political picture or domestic details, there seems to be endless opportunity to bicker and battle with colleagues, friends, providers of services and, of course – top of the list – our own families.
The internet helps by offering a multitude of ways to be antagonistic and aggressive without having to leave the kitchen table – or confront the subject of our ire. Away from fellow humans, we can put the world to rights in a few short sentences, then post idealised snapshots of our perfect, karmic life on Instagram. At a time that we are supposedly blessed with an increasing understanding and empathy for the vagaries and dysfunctions of human nature – whether it’s teenagers, intolerant ideologues (often also teenagers) or the oxymoronic helplines they dare to call Customer Service – we exist instead on a rage-fuelled diet of decreasing tolerance.
Lack of sleep doesn’t help. I regularly wake in the morning to find friends, who I know will also be up to do the school run, have texted or emailed me way past midnight. An NHS sleep survey recently concluded that eschewing phones an hour before bedtime would help combat insomnia.
It conjures a pretty pathetic picture of society today. All of us seething, surfing and fabricating into the small hours, conjuring fantasy worlds as we edit our existence. I’m not taking any moral high ground. I can only boast occasional glimmers of self-awareness, as I scroll enviously though strangers’ holiday snaps while my husband gently snores.
Luckily, I’m over at least one of your hurdles. You’re in the eye of the perfect storm. You’re 50 and female and, therefore, likely to be menopausal, and your daughters are in the midst of their own hormonal revolution. In addition, you’re clearly educated, articulate and blessed with the same level of free time as the average westerner, which means enough to allow for dysfunctional habit-forming hobbies.
There is action that can be taken. First of all, think about a family detox. We recently embarked on a long-dreamed trip to Peru during which we walked the Inca Trail for four days with no phone signal. I don’t want to evangelise, but the respite from having to nag my kids, let alone my own increased brain space during those blissful days, is something I won’t forget in a hurry. We may not have had conversations of great quality, but we did conduct them while looking at each other, and without Googling answers. I am pretty sure that when television was invented people weren’t watching it 24/7 with barely a break for sleep or food. Nor did they walk down high streets watching their favourite shows while perilously negotiating traffic and pedestrians.
So, my advice is Google “menopause” or watch The Truth About Menopause programme I made last year (still on @BBCSounds). Then see your GP, armed with your newfound knowledge, and ask for a prescription to help with the side-effects of this passing phase, which include, you guessed it: irrational anger. I also suggest you designate one day a week a phone-free zone in your home. It may incentivise your girls to study and get a career – if only to escape your draconian rules. As for the trail of underwear, burn whatever is abandoned. When they see their beloved Calvin Klein’s going up in smoke, I suspect they’ll get far better at tidying.
Finally, rather than trying to organise everyone’s lives, or unwinding on Facebook, choose working and screen hours and stick to them. These are small, obvious suggestions, but if we each take baby steps to improve our moods and our world, we might find that the planet and those who live on it simmer down.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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