HAVING a pint with your dad when you turn 18 is a rite of passage for any teenager.
But it’s a moment Chris Popplewell, from Sheffield, Yorks, never got to share with his dad Dennis.
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The 59-year-old took his own life just days after Chris celebrated his birthday in 2011.
Speaking to The Sun Online, the now 26-year-old said: “Losing your dad at any age its difficult, but the one thing you want to do is go for a pint with him.
“I’d give up everything for that.”
Chris, who is sharing his experience to raise awareness of men’s mental health this Movember, said he didn’t fully understand his dad’s depression at the time.
He said: “It started when I was about 16. He would tell me he was feeling down and upset.
“I never took note of it. As a 16-year-old it’s not something you’re going to listen to. You don’t even think mental health is a thing.
“I was sat there like ok dad, you feel a bit sad, but only when I was 18 did it sink it.”
House fire
Chris was at college when he got taken out of his first class of the day and picked up by his mum.
He said: “I had no idea what was going on.
“I got in the car and my mum said, ‘look Chris, we’ve been expecting this for a while, it’s about your dad’.
“That’s when I knew he hadn’t just been sad.”
[The nurse] told me the house had exploded and fire had surrounded him
Chris
They started driving to the hospital where he was taken aside and spoken to by a nurse.
“She told me the house had exploded and fire had surrounded him.
“They had managed to get him out but he had suffered burns to 90 per cent of his body.
“But there wasn’t anything they could do to bring him back from this and all they could do was make him feel comfortable.”
Final goodbyes
At this point, Chris hadn’t been told the fire was deliberate, but admits that in the back of his mind he knew.
Doctors explained to Chris and his mum Susan, who had separated from his dad 10 years earlier, that they expected he had about three hours left.
“I went and said my goodbyes,” he said.
“He told me he didn’t mean to be in hospital. But there isn’t much that was spoken as he was heavily sedated trying to keep the pain at bay.
“He still had his humour right to the end – we were on the hospital bed and he said, ‘have I still got hair?’ I said no and he just started laughing.
“That’s one moment I will always cherish.”
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Chris described his dad’s last moments as “strange” as he sat in the hospital room with his mum, friend, his dad’s cousin and a police officer.
He added: “It sounds bad but I was waiting for him to die.
It took six hours for him to take his last breath. The whole room fell silent. It was strange
Chris
“When you’re told your dad has only got three hours to live there’s nothing you can do.
“It took six hours for him to take his last breath. The whole room fell silent. It was strange – just one of those out of body experiences.”
Own battle
Chris says that after losing his dad he tried to stay strong for his mum, but gradually his own mental health began to deteriorate.
My mum and dad weren’t together so although she was really upset she was more upset for me than herself.
“But I think that I just wanted to protect her. If I told her I was upset, she’d feel bad. So I tried my hardest to not have that happening.
“Around four years later it started to hit me.
The key signs your loved one is at risk of suicide
There are several warning signs that a person is at risk of suicide. But it’s vital to know that they won’t always be obvious.
While some people are quite visibly in pain and become withdrawn and depressed, others may continue their life as normal pretending everything is fine.
Look out for subtle personality changes in friends and family, especially if you know they have been going through a tough time, Lorna Fraser, of the Samaritans, told The Sun Online.
These are the key signs to watch out for:
- A change in routine, such as sleeping or eating less than normal
- Struggling to sleep, lacking energy or appearing particularly tired
- Drinking, smoking or using drugs more than usual
- Finding it hard to cope with everyday things
- Not wanting to do things they usually enjoy
- Becoming withdrawn from friends and family – not wanting to talk or be with people
- Appearing more tearful
- Appearing restless, agitated, nervous, irritable
- Putting themselves down in a serious or jokey way, for example ‘Oh, no one loves me’, or ‘I’m a waste of space’
- Losing interest in their appearance, not liking or taking care of themselves or feeling they don’t matter
“Putting on a front sort of helped for a short period of time. But when you’ve built up a wall, every brick eventually erodes and that was what was happening.
“Seeing that can’t be easy on anyone let alone your dad. I didn’t let it touch me, I didn’t let anyone know it hurt me.
“I put jokes on it and made jokes about it. You put on that front.
“I became impatient with a lot of things. I’d fly off the handle with those closest around me and I wasn’t let people get close to me emotionally.”
“Soon I started thinking suicidal thoughts. It’s a disgusting pit to be in. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I didn’t realise what it was doing to me and harming my relationships. “
Turning point
He said that his turning point was when he finally confided in his mum.
Chris said: “I was in my room I decided to text my mum, who was downstairs, to say I think I’ve got depression.
“I was balling my eyes out and she just really simply put back, ‘it’s ok, I’ve noticed a difference in you. We’ll have a talk when you’re ready’.
That was when I admitted it to myself.”
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Chris said he did see a doctor and was on anti-depressants for a short time, as well as having counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy.
But he found the best thing he did was talk to someone.
“Something as simple as talking to my best friend about it was the best thing I could’ve done,” he said.
“He didn’t comment on things, he just sat there and listened to me. I didn’t realise how big that would be for me.”
Supporting others
Chris still lives with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety every day but says he has a great support network of friends.
He said: “I can always talk to them and they understand me and my thought process and how function and work as I am.
“I still keep people at arms length a bit – I don’t know if that’s out of habit – but the way a counsellor described it to me is that my dad chose to leave me so because of that I don’t want to get close to people.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget about it. I’ll never get the images out of my head. But one thing I like is the lessons I’ve learned.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget about it… I’ll never get the images out of my head
Chris
Now working as a personal trainer and coach, Chris tries to help others by offering them an ear and someone to talk to.
“I don’t know why this is but as a PT clients tend to instil a lot of trust in you – they’ll tell you stuff they won’t tell anyone else.
People need that shoulder or pillar to hold them up a bit while they’re almost falling over.
“I always ask people to reach out to me. When I was in that frame of mind having someone there, was the best thing I could have had.
“The hardest thing was knowing who to go to, I didn’t want someone to try and fix it, I didn’t want a professional to tell me their opinion and now I’m trying to be that someone for others.”
Every November the Movember Foundation encourages men to grow their moustache to raise money to fund research and support for men facing prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention.
The charity says men are facing a health crisis that isn’t talked about, and by 2030 aims to cut the number of men dying prematurely by a quarter.
It may be the first of the month, but it’s not too late to get involved and sign up to be a MoBro.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
Mental health doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- Movember, movember.com
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please call the Samaritans (free) on 116 123
