I have been single for three years and had many partners. I met a girl recently and we have a great relationship, but when it comes to sex I struggle to get hard. I have a high sex drive and I have never had erectile issues before; I have been told I am good in bed. I can tell my partner thinks I am not attracted to her, but I am – very much so. I think this started after the first time we had sex, when I got a little soft while switching positions and she freaked out. She was a little tipsy and super insecure. I can’t get that experience out of my head and I can’t get hard with her without help.
It is important for you both to understand that losing erections around a partner from time to time is completely normal. You cannot be expected to be hard all the time, even while lovemaking. You are able to achieve erections a good percentage of the time when it is important, so there really isn’t a problem. Educate her that you are not a machine and that she should not judge your level of attraction to her based on your physical response alone. It is very common for a man to lose an erection while changing positions. Try to be calm about this and remind yourself that your pride does not require perfect erections at all times. If you allow it to, the fear of not “performing” will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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