The dilemma I’m 45, with a strong marriage, two kids and a good financial situation (thanks to my husband). I’ve had many different jobs over the years, but retrained in another profession last year and hoped to make a basic income from that. Then the pandemic hit.
I chose to leave my work so I could cope with everything. I take care of my parents (my mother almost died of a non-Covid-related issue) and children; fundraise; shop and deliver food to the many local families in need. My husband is also doing a lot of housework, cooking, etc, as well as working from home.
I know I am so privileged, but I feel like a failure. I have not accomplished anything as a professional in years. Friends tell me I ought to be happy and I keep telling myself the same, to no avail. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel it’s time to give up the idea of ever making a monthly income and instead be happy being a mother and wife, but I can’t shake the sadness this idea floods me with. I would appreciate any fresh ideas on this.
Mariella replies Thanks for writing. I’m flattered that you put pen to paper when your to-do list already sounds quite onerous. It’s clearly a good thing for your community that you’re not handcuffed to your desk or kitchen table frantically trying to hang on to your day job while juggling all your other commitments. But there’s a limit to what we should expect of ourselves. For many people, lockdown is already stretching them too far, thanks to time-consuming drudgery, constant close proximity to others, money worries and the effort of keeping our agitation and fears at bay. If that weren’t already an intimidating convergence of challenges there’s also the full-frontal exposure to our own psyches without all the outside-world distractions that usually keep us from becoming too forensic. Thank you Covid-19 for providing us with the time to find ourselves wanting on so many levels!
You are clearly in the thick of it and, despite the many worthy pursuits you are engaged in, you’ve done what we as a species are so good at doing and zoomed right in on your perceived shortcomings. Moving forward in this case looks like it may involve some looking back. Somewhere in your primal beginnings you will have equated your worth with your earning power (or it’s something you’ve learned while standing aside as your husband pursued his career). Either way, income level as a route to self-worth is a notion we’re all having to re-examine at the moment. Those of us who have, until now, entirely wedded ourselves to the workplace, using it, at least some of the time, to dodge more egalitarian pursuits, caring duties or possibilities for personal growth, are now having to think about who we really are once compulsory duties are removed from our schedule.
Speaking for myself, I’ve realised how, in lockdown, I am similar to the proverbial decapitated chicken, speeding around all day in virtual circles and gaining little for my efforts bar the sense of being busy and the distraction of keeping my thoughts focused outward.
You should be able to see, even from your own letter, how well you are succeeding with the true benchmarks of a good life, which must surely be about the quality of our relationships and our ability to spread our good fortune. For a less demanding person, what you already do would add up to a lot.
I don’t think it’s your ability to earn a salary that should be troubling you, instead, I’d be interested in what is preventing you from making a choice and pursuing it. Perhaps nothing feels as satisfying as what you’ve already got. If that’s the case, you should celebrate the luxury of your existence without feeling guilty for having a life others might envy. Curiously, fear of commitment may be at the core of your woes. Disposable income can be a blessing, but it can also prove a paralysing force. If you aren’t working for money, or if your work can’t match the money you already have, where do you find the motivation to step beyond your limits?
I like the way you are honest about your assets – and I’d keep a close grip on that husband, he sounds almost too good to be true! But as you rightly point out, what we have rarely informs what we desire. You have the luxury of choosing what to do. In a world full of people who are industrious simply to pay their bills that’s worth savouring and taking advantage of. When this curious pause in our lives is over, the need you describe in terms of the families in your area who are struggling, will be the defining factor of our society. Instead of worrying about how to make a salary that you think will increase your self-worth, I recommend you follow your heart and do something that will properly enrich your life. There are plenty of avenues to choose from, and a big heart coupled with a determination to make good use of your skills seem like perfect qualifications to me.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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