I had thought – maybe naively – that self-isolating with my boyfriend during the coronavirus crisis would be fun.
We’d been together for about seven months and due to our fast-paced city life and busy jobs, until then, we tended to only hook up at weekends.
Even so, the thought of suddenly having to spend 24/7 together didn’t put us off – we saw it as an opportunity for some quality time to get to know each other, not to mention the chance to have sex whenever and wherever the mood took us.
Within hours of the announcement being made, I’d packed up a lot of stuff and zoomed over to his.
To be fair, our first week together was amazing. It felt like we were living in our own bubble away from the rest of the universe and we didn’t care about the news or the things happening around the world.
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We blacked-out about 90% of our social media and spent days watching movies, reading books, and, like everyone else, baking.
We also spent a lot of time having sex, as predicted. No room, position or hour of the day was off limits.
At first it felt so liberating and decadent. But then week three hit – and the ick.
Suddenly, and without apparent reason, I started to feel grossed out whenever I thought about having sex with my lovely, handsome and funny boyfriend.
It wasn’t the kissing or the hugging, it was just the idea of our naked bodies writhing together. And that was it, I felt a nudging ‘urgh’ about getting down and dirty with him.
I tried not to let it become a big deal. I still liked to settle down on the sofa and have a cuddle with him, but whenever he tried to take it further I made my excuses and moved away.
After three days he asked me if anything was wrong. I said no.
But the truth was that by then, even looking at him turned me off. The ick had well and truly got to me.
I racked my brain for what had changed – why didn’t I want this man anymore?
I hated myself for feeling this way. He had done nothing wrong, it was all me.
As the days passed the silences between us got longer. Even though we shared the same bed, the distance that had grown was unmissable.
I just felt so sad. So toxic. I racked my brain for what had changed – why didn’t I want this man anymore? All I could come up with was that I didn’t find him physically attractive.
I felt ashamed and low.
After confiding in a friend, she suggested I friend-zone him for the remainder of lockdown. She said my icky feeling could just be down to the pressure of being together all day, every day, and tried to reassure me that everything might go back to normal once lockdown was fully lifted.
They also suggested I tell my boyfriend the truth. So I did.
As I spilled my guts out to him, I felt a massive punch of guilt. He was confused and angry at first, especially as, like me, he’d thought being together in lockdown was a romantic risk that we were sure to survive.
After a long chat we decided to self-isolate from each other, still in the same house.
I moved my things to another room. Our only communication was through phone messages and calls, to make decisions on what to cook, and when to go and get our meals from the kitchen. In the evenings, we’d chat over long calls, discussing all sorts of things – even recommending films to watch on Netflix that evening.
That first night, I felt relieved that I was away from his touches and cuddles, but I also wondered if I had made the right decision. Was I being cruel?
After two weeks, I realised that I still had feelings for my boyfriend and confessed in one of our long chats. Within seconds, I was knocking on his bedroom door and we had the most amazing sex.
Afterwards, he looked me deep in the eyes and we both smiled. Whatever had caused the ick, had gone.
We are now back to having sex, but we are limiting our intimacy and I think that’s for the best.
I can’t pretend I’m not worried about my feelings changing again, and I know it worries him too, so I do my best to make sure he knows how much I fancy him.
I really hope the ick doesn’t return, as I do really love being with him.
Who knows whether it was caused by the pressures of lockdown, but now conditions are easing I just want everything to return to normal.
So we can go back to the way our relationship was – spending time apart, together.
Do you have a story that you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk
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