I am having a little trouble with my marriage, sexually. While I am quite kinky and highly sexual, my wife is not as comfortable with her sexuality, or communicating about it. I accept that, and have been encouraging her to open up, feel pleasure and tell me what she wants in the bedroom more. This has recently taken an unusual turn, in that I have been encouraging her to role-play being dominant over me, with some success. This has led to a lot of massages for her and very little oral sex for me! I think this is positive, but I have not managed to find a balance or find a space where I am also able to express what I want and have my needs met. I wonder if being submissive is what I truly want.
Your aim might have been to encourage her to adopt a classic BDSM dominant role, but she has interpreted it as permission to demand that her needs be met – and this is not a bad thing at all. Try to view this as it really is: an important stage in her sexual development – and yours. I am sure you know that BDSM is an advanced sexual style and that an awakening to power-exchange sex is a gradual process. Be patient. Encourage playfulness. Continue to allow her to order her pleasure from you. Very gradually, introduce the notion of switching (between dominance and submission). Besides giving you some respite, this should help her – and you – to better understand and enjoy the pleasures of fluidity, rather than rigidity, in polarised games.
