Recently, I became interested in getting my partner to urinate on me. I’ve never tried it before and I don’t know why I’m suddenly keen now, but I’m curious about what it’s like and I think it would make us feel closer. But now my partner thinks I’m disgusting. I feel hurt and ashamed for sharing my fantasy with her. We’ve been together a few years, but I’m struggling with these negative feelings.
It is always painful to be judged for one’s sexual style, whether that be arousal triggers, sexual response patterns, preferred behaviour, partner choice or any other erotic preference. But try not to allow your partner’s disgust to shame you. You do not have to feel ashamed of your fantasies. You can safely enjoy them while they are private to you, but, as you have discovered, you must be cautious about sharing them – especially if they involve eroticism that may be considered edgy or unusual. You may take comfort in the fact that it is not uncommon to have an erotic interest in urine and that erotic play involving it can take many forms. But since the idea of combining urine and eroticism is a turn-off for your partner, it would be best not to pursue the idea of realising it. Assure her that you would never try to coerce her into anything undesirable or nonconsensual, but also suggest that she might appreciate the fact that you trusted her with an insight into a private aspect of your erotic creativity.
•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
•If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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