Names: Clare and Reid Froggatt
Years together: 34
Occupations: Teacher and business owner
When Clare and Reid Froggatt’s daughter Emma got married recently, she had a special note for her parents in her wedding speech. “She thanked us for loving each other,” says Clare, touched by her daughter’s gesture. “That’s the best [marriage] advice you can give [your children]: To model it.”
For almost 35 years, the Sydney couple have tried to do just that. They met when they were young – Reid was 20, Clare 18 – but they connected almost instantly. After a brief meeting at the church they both attended, they were reintroduced by a mutual friend – and three weeks later they were engaged. “I don’t know why we decided we had to get married,” says Clare with a laugh, “but we just got on so well. We talked our heads off.”
They came from very different backgrounds: Clare’s family were “so English and so proper” and she went to a private girls’ school, while Reid was a surfer from Manly who’d led “quite a colourful teenage life”. Despite this, they connected on many levels. They both had a strong Christian faith, they wanted to travel and “have adventures” and then do something substantial with their lives. “We thought we should do it together; we’d be good together,” Reid says. “Most of my friends thought I was crazy getting married.”
Both sets of parents were supportive but many of their friends’ parents tried to dissuade them. “They were like, ‘You’re too young. You should live together first. You should try it out first,’” Clare remembers. “[We] were like, no, no. We’ll be fine.”
During their 14-month engagement, they discussed their commitment to each other. They weren’t naive about the challenges ahead but they had the same pragmatic approach. Reid believes that life is fundamentally “pretty tough”. “But there’s moments of joy sprinkled in there, you get some happiness every so often,” he says. “So I don’t think we went in with rose-coloured glasses. We [figured] we were just going to work this out together.”
The couple have three children, all adults now. But when they came along, it was an adjustment. While Clare embraced motherhood – “I was so excited to have this little baby girl” – it was more difficult for Reid. At 24, many of his friends were travelling overseas while he was raising a family “And I was going, ‘What am I doing?’ But I went back to, ‘No, this is good,’’’ he says. And he knew the demands would change: “I was probably a better dad when the kids were a bit older.”
A few years after they were married, the young family moved to Melbourne. It was a testing time, with Reid working long hours in the family business and Clare often left to look after the kids alone. “We had no family support,” Clare says. “We had nothing. We did go through this bit of a season of, ‘What are we even doing together?’”
Being far from home brought other things into focus: “We realised how different we were,
Clare says. “If we were ever going to break up, it was when we were in Melbourne. That was probably the hardest time.”
Despite their shared values, the pair have very different interests: Reid lives and breathes sport while Clare is more interested in arts and literature. But it taught them something important: “We started being intentional,” says Clare, adding: “It was like, let’s really work at not drifting apart.”
They learnt to appreciate their differences: Clare encouraged Reid to enjoy Melbourne’s cafe scene and drink coffee with her, while she took up swimming laps with her husband. They also made a point of having regular date nights. “Ever since Melbourne, we’ve always made dates a priority. We’ve probably had a date once a week for probably 25 years.”
What also helped, says Clare, was that they found that they had the capacity to talk about everything. “Even though we were under pressure, I think we were able to communicate and be mature with one another. Most of the time.”
It’s their strength as a couple, Reid says. “People say you shouldn’t fight in a marriage,” he says. “I think you should fight. I think you should fight every day. Not fighting as in silly [arguments], but negotiating. Have a lot of regular little negotiations. Almost on a daily basis, in some respects.
“Then you resolve, move on. Resolve, move on. Otherwise, someone feels like they’re walking on someone else. We compromise and negotiate every day … That builds that trust and respect.”
Eventually they decided Melbourne wasn’t for them and they returned to Sydney and their community. Their biggest trial was yet to come.
In January 2009 their eldest daughter, Samantha, was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukaemia. While the recovery rate is good for young children, Samantha was 20 and the prognosis was not good.
Doctors told Clare and Reid she was unlikely to survive. “We were like, ‘Surely this is not happening to us?’” says Clare. Even with chemotherapy, there was a high risk she would relapse and, while her best chance of survival was a bone-marrow donation, there was no guarantee of a match. It took more than seven months to find a suitable donor, then there were further complications for their gravely ill daughter.
It was a very difficult time. Clare was at the hospital constantly and felt she didn’t have time for the rest of the family. “Some days I was just so tired and I would come home to a house with all the lights off and everyone had gone to bed, and I’d be like, ‘Yeah, it’s all right for everyone else.’ That was the hardest. Absolutely the hardest time in my life.”
Each night Clare would stay with her daughter until after midnight when the nurses did a handover, return home for a few hours’ sleep, then be back at her bedside by 7am. She admits feeling envious that the others seemed to be getting on with life. “I just felt, will our lives ever be normal again? It was so intense for so long. And we didn’t even really get to see each other.”
Samantha daughter recovered and the couple’s lives gradually returned to normal. Clare went back to studying and got her master’s degree in education. They’ve kept up with their dates though, still going out on Friday nights to debrief on the week and then again on Saturday morning for coffee and newspapers.
They’ve learnt many lessons over years, including giving each other enough room to be themselves, and backing each other up while remaining honest. Perhaps the most important has been to put their relationship first. “We prioritised each other,” Reid says. “I love the kids, but Clare is more important than the kids.”
Looking back, they had no idea what love or commitment meant when they married, says Reid. The classic Bible verse “Love is patient, love is kind” is more realistic, he says. “That forms the basis of a solid foundation for a relationship.
“Then the feelings come. Some more than others. That’s all lovely – but if you’re looking for that all the time and living in that hormonal kick, you’re going to be sadly disappointed in life.”
For Clare, it comes down to celebrating each day’s small wins. “It’s focusing in on the things that are good, because there’s a lot that’s not, [and] paying attention to all the things that are.” Communicating that celebration is just as important: “Make sure you say I love you, and to say thank you. They’re small things but they’re the biggest things.”
Their relationship has changed over the years. “I think we’ve got closer and closer,” Clare says. “We finish each other’s sentences.” “It’s a bit annoying, that,” jokes Reid.
But they still love being together. “It does change,” says Reid. “It becomes richer and deeper.”
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