Gemma Payne, 37
We got together 10 years ago, but after five years decided we didn’t want to continue our romantic relationship. We still share a house, though, for financial reasons and because we wanted to bring up our daughter (now six) together.
We have a great friendship and eat, socialise and sometimes go on holiday together. But we have separate bedrooms and have developed as individuals.
Dating other people was initially tricky. Now we won’t bring someone new to the house until it’s an established relationship. We also have a joint Google calendar to organise when we want to go on a date.
Our living arrangement might not be for ever – we have an agreement that if we meet someone new, one of us might move out – but it’s right at the moment. It started for practical reasons, but now we choose to live this way.
Paddy Johnson, 41
I find it difficult to describe what Gemma is to me. I use the term “sort of ex-wife”, as legally she’s still my wife and we live as a family, but “wife” implies a relationship we don’t have.
In the absence of any widely accepted model, we went through a process to work out what was right for us and our daughter. At first we tried being polyamorous, but that didn’t work.
We’ve still got all the usual tensions of living together and of co-parenting. I was nervous about dating, but Gemma’s very good at helping me with my profile.
This has made me realise that relationships change. The notion of marriage as unchangeable seems odd to me now. I think if there was a term for what we’re doing, more people would consider it.
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