When we heard that Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott may have broken up, we were more than a little upset.*
*Don’t judge us, our lives are empty and celeb relationships are all we have.
But then came a glimmer of hope; reports that the parents of icon Stormi Jenner may not have properly called it quits, but that they’re just taking a break.
Now, your own experiences will influence your reaction to this news.
You’ll either breathe a sigh of relief, reassured that all is well in the Jenner camp, or you’ll go straight to the ‘well, they’re doomed’ reaction.
Taking a break often acts as just a stop on the road to a breakup, deployed when a relationship is already past repair.
Does taking a break ever actually work? Are there ways that you can make a break benefit your relationship, rather than just serving to delay the inevitable split?
We spoke to some experts to outline the basic rules for making a break work to its maximum potential.
Of course, even the most perfectly planned break won’t fix a relationship that’s absolutely awful and built to fail, but these are steps to ensure taking a break isn’t pointless.
Decide on an objective
Why are you taking a break? What exactly are you hoping to get out of it?
If the answer is ‘I hate them so much and need them to get out of my face’, a break probably isn’t the right option… you need a breakup.
Don’t decide to do a temporary split in the heat of the moment, without proper thought.
Be clear with each other about what this break is actually for, whether it’s to have some time to reflect alone, get some distance, or allow for personal healing.
Stephanie Tumba, the managing director of Celest Connections and Matchmaking and the author of 100 Dates and a Wedding tells Metro.co.uk: ‘When one agrees to “pause” the relationship, one must use that period to turn it into a strength, trying to understand what is wrong with the relationship and how to change things.
‘This break in a couple should be considered as a moment to make a thorough reflection on the couple but also a self-criticism.
‘Decide the objective of the break and the lines of reflection. Finish as many times as possible with the phrase, “After the break, I would like us to …”‘
Oh, and make sure a break is what you both really want, and isn’t just being used as a way to end things. This isn’t something to be taken lightly – Stephanie says that only 10% of couples actually survive a break and get back together.
Be clear on how much time you need
Again, if you think you need years apart, you’re in need of a breakup rather than a break.
But once you’ve worked out the objective of your break, it’s worth clarifying how long you want it to last. Do you need a day? A week? A month?
Jessica Leoni, a sex and relationship for Illicit Encounters (a dating site for affairs, so Jessica knows about relationships gone wrong) recommends taking ‘clean break of a week with no contact’, while Stephanie says a break should be between one and three weeks, but it really is up to you to decide what’s best for your relationship.
Don’t rush things, even if your partner needs longer apart than you do. If they need additional time to do important work, you don’t want to cut that short.
Outline the sex side of things
This is a big one.
Unless you want a Ross and Rachel situation, you need to be entirely upfront about the sexual exclusivity of a break before you take it.
Set up some ground rules. Will you remain exclusive throughout the break? Can you go on dates with other people? If anything happens, do you need to tell each other?
Yes, this bit is awkward, but ironing it all out now will save you from pain in the long run.
Determine the rules of communication
Again, this is all part of working out what your break is for and what you’re hoping to get out of it, but you absolutely must discuss how much communication you’ll have during your time apart.
Going contact-free can be helpful, but that needs to be agreed from the get-go. You don’t want to be sending your partner messages that go unanswered – that will only inspire paranoia and despair.
Stephanie says: ‘The break does not forbid to keep in touch, but it is necessary to ensure that one does not suffer having the impression that the other is having fun. A weekly call, just to maintain the proximity and reassuring the other party, is not a bad idea.’
Plan a meeting for the end of your break
Put it in your diaries and make sure it happens. This is essential, either to get the relationship back on track or get proper closure and call it quits.
You can go for a phone call if you want, but an in-person chat is usually best.
Stephanie recommends choosing a neutral space where you can discuss your relationship freely, or booking in a session with a couples’ therapist to guide you through the process.
Be prepared for what happens next
When you go into a break, you have to be ready for the possibility that the relationship just isn’t going to work.
Explore alone what you would need for the relationship to continue and establish at what point you’ll say enough is enough.
And don’t rush too quickly back into the swing of things. You took a break for a reason. If you decide to stay together, make sure you’ve sorted out those niggling issues and are returning to a relationship that brings you joy.
‘If you are both fully committing to making it work, by all means resume physical contact,’ says Jessica. ‘But don’t return to the destructive patterns which caused the break in the first place.
‘You both need to indicate why you think the break was necessary and how you are going to put things right.
‘If you still don’t want to see your partner after a week of non-contact, the signs are not good. Absence should make the heart grow fonder. If there is no longing, you should seriously consider a clean break after a week apart.’
MORE: Breakups can be good for us even if we’re in a ‘perfect’ relationship
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MORE: Who gets to keep what after a breakup?
