Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my twenties and I’ve been with my partner three years.
We’ve always had an on/off relationship, even breaking up for a few months, and during that time I started seeing an old boyfriend.
To cut a long story short, my partner talked me into getting back together with him by agreeing to have a baby.
He’d resisted this in the past, saying he wasn’t ready and still felt “too young”.
Now, we have a gorgeous daughter, who we both adore, but I’ve fallen out of love with my partner.
I keep thinking about this other guy because the time we had together was great and he was so attentive and caring, as well as being very sexy.
He ticked all the boxes and I should have stayed with him. But it’s not just about him – my relationship has never been the way I imagined it would be and I’ve tried hard to make it work.
I don’t want to split up our family, but I’m miserable.
He makes absolutely no effort and we can go days without really talking to each other.
All I can think about is the other guy and what my life could be like if we were together. I feel trapped in a relationship I don’t want to be in.
Coleen says
Having a baby was obviously an attempt to repair the relationship and put it on a more solid footing.
However, if a partnership is rocky, the arrival of a child often makes things harder because parenting is challenging at the best of times.
I don’t know if you’ve considered counselling as a last-ditch attempt at saving the relationship, but it could be worth it. Even if it becomes clear that you want out, it can help to ease the transition.
My main bit of advice would be to decide what you’re going to do without this other man being a factor in your decision.
You don’t know if things would work with him, but of course it’s an attractive idea when you’re struggling to get along with your partner.
Have a serious conversation with your boyfriend – avoiding talking to each other is not going to get you anywhere – and discuss the relationship, and what’s in the best interests of your daughter.
You might find your partner feels the same, but hasn’t spoken up over worries around his daughter.
As a mother who’s been divorced twice, I know it’s possible to still be good parents after a break-up if both partners can agree to make the child’s wellbeing a priority.
