Lifestyle

From weddings to Disney, why do people enjoy ‘shaming’ groups on Facebook?


A few years back I attended a wedding in which the groom, who was white, gave a speech ending with a racist impression of ‘an African person’.

As the crowd burst into peals of delighted laughter, I sat there glaring at the person who’d taken me there as a plus-one, in an attempt to telepathically communicate the message: why have you brought me to this terrible place, to be among these terrible people?

Naturally, I spent the next fortnight bitching about this to anyone who would listen. What I didn’t do was take to a Facebook wedding shaming group, largely because I wasn’t aware they existed.

These days, an increasing number of people respond to terrible wedding experiences by venting online – and the shaming doesn’t stop there.

A quick search of Facebook finds a bewildering array of shaming groups. There’s ‘that’s it, I’m wedding shaming,’ ‘that’s it, I’m nail-shaming,’ ‘that’s it, I’m mother-in-law-shaming’ (admin: Bernard Manning), and, my personal favourite, the extremely niche ‘Disney shaming and cringeposting’.

What’s the appeal of these groups? And what does it say about society that so many people enjoy being mean online?

Some nails which were considered worthy of shaming (Picture: That’s it, I’m nail shaming/Facebook)

The admins of ‘That’s it I’m wedding shaming’ and ‘That’s it I’m nail shaming’, AKA the two big dogs, both responded to my polite request for an interview by expelling me from their respective groups.

This isn’t altogether surprising. Despite having tens of thousands of followers each, both groups operate with a degree of ruthless, cult-like secrecy.

Any application to join has to be approved by the mods; you have to answer a series of questions in order to be admitted entry, and many of the groups have a strict ‘no screenshotting’ policy. There seems to be the idea that press attention might spoil the fun.

Despite the reticence of the admins, I did find one regular contributor of ‘that’s it, I’m nail shaming’ who was willing to chat about her involvement.

As well as being a member, Amber, 27, is a professional nail artist herself.

So what’s the appeal?

‘Basically, it confirms that I’m the best nail artist and everyone else sucks,’ she jokes.

‘Nah,’ she continues, ‘for me, it’s more about shaming the work of people who are my competition, and might charge more than me. It makes me feel good that people would actively pay, say, £50 for sh*t nails.

‘There’s a difference between shaming someone who is actually awful with terrible technique or someone who’s just started out.’

In this case, the shaming groups seem to function as a sort of intra-profession standards body. Maybe, in this context, ‘shaming’ is something approaching fair criticism.

A particularly mean-spirited post from ‘That’s It, I’m Wedding Shaming’ (Picture: That’s It, I’m Wedding Shaming/Facebook)

The snappily titled ‘That’s it, I’m wedding shaming (non ban-happy edition) w/ better mods’ group was created after the founders became, in their own words, ‘disgusted’ by the content of the originals.

‘There was racism, classism, body-shaming,’ they tell Metro.co.uk, ‘and the mods would approve offensive posts about traditional wedding ceremonies from cultures different from their own, in an effort to “reverse shame” the original poster – even though this clearly upset many members.

‘We formed this group in protest – half-expecting it to fail in the first week or so – but then others joined us and brought their friends with them.’

Although formed on the same basic principle, there are some differences between the groups.

The moderators say: ‘We try to keep things far lighter and less vicious. We have a hard-and-fast rule of no people shaming whatsoever. You can shame things or actions but people are off limits. Ultimately though, people want to be entertained and enjoy a bit of juicy gossip and drama.’

The moderators believe that the success of their group depends on the worthiness of the targets and the feel-good quality of the posts, rather than the pleasure of being cruel.

‘Everyone’s favourite stories seem to be the Cinderella-esque stories where love or common sense triumphs in the end,’ they say. ‘We’ve heard a few stories where LGBTQ people were shut out from their families, only to build a new and supportive one with the love of their life. We will shame the family that didn’t show up and celebrate their love story.’

‘Some posts are just cathartic, maybe it’s a vendor or best mate venting out pure exhaustion after being abused by an overly demanding bride or groom.’

It might be a stretch to say that this form of shaming is positive – that would run contrary to the entire ethos – but it doesn’t feel so much like bullying. The founders seem entirely sincere in their intentions to build a less toxic online community.

The cover photo for the Facebook group ‘Disney shaming and cringeposting’ (Picture: Facebook)

Of all the shaming groups I looked at, ‘Disney shaming and cringeposting’ is the strangest by some distance. Despite having now spent literally hours of my life on there (for, uh, ‘research’), I still find the concept baffling.

It’s not clear whether, for the most part, the members are people who hate Disney outright, or people who like Disney and are therefore embarrassed by the tackiness of their fellow fans.

The group is notionally left-leaning: its rules ban any kind of discrimination and some members even embarked on an organised trolling of a rival group ‘I love Disney AND Support President Trump.’ But there is still a strong vein of bitchiness. The posts are mean-spirited, snide, and often, I’m ashamed to say, very funny.

One mainstay is the mockery of weak attempts at ‘Disneybounding’ – a trend in which people pay tribute to their favourite Disney characters with subtle, supposedly fashionable outfits, rather than outright costumes. Many of these attempts just consist of, like, a yellow dress – which does not go down well in the group.

The biggest question this group raises is simply: why do they care so much?  None of the admins responded to my request for comment, but I did manage to coax a member into being interviewed.

Becky says: ‘I joined thinking it’d be a lot more lighthearted than it is. But there’s a nasty undertone I don’t like, and I was just thinking this morning that I’m going to leave it.’

Why would she be surprised that a shaming group would have a ‘nasty undertone’? Isn’t that the whole point?

‘I’m in a few “shaming” groups, because I enjoy indulging in the petty side of myself,’ Becky explains. ‘But it’s usually for actually shameful things — bad makeup or whatever. And people shame it, but good-naturedly.’

So how does the Disney one differ?

Becky says: ‘It’s particularly nasty. They post pretty much anything Disney-related and sh*t on people who like it. It’s one thing to cringe over a badly-done full back tattoo of the Disney princesses… it’s another to post a mural in a child’s bedroom and just rip on someone for enjoying something.

‘But I do enjoy seeing badly executed tattoos, interior design, acrylic nails, fashion, whatever — it’s mildly entertaining to see it and think oof, what a disaster.’

‘There’s a very fine line between fair and honest criticism and cyber abuse,’ says Christopher Hand, a psychologist at Glasgow Caledonian University who researches, among other things, social networking and cyber-harassment.

‘A lot of these places are set up as spaces for people to share their personal experiences. But what seems to happen is that, as they grow in popularity, they may attract problematic internet users who are going to push an agenda based on body image or race or sexual identity.’

Although these groups insist on anonymity, some of the efforts made to anonymise individuals are laughably insufficient (two tiny white circles over someone’s eyes, for instance), which often has real world consequences.

‘It often doesn’t take too much digging to identify who is being referred to,’ says Chris. ‘You can have all the rules you want but all it takes is one person to breach them. People have been undone for this type of thing before.’

Obviously, not everyone who partakes in shaming groups is doing so in a malicious way, but it’s worth considering the motivations behind it.

‘It could be a form of catharsis where you’re really upset by something that’s happened,’ Chris says, ‘and you get this release by going online to vent about it.

‘It’s also about the idea of community – you’ve got liked-minded  people giving you validation for your opinion, people backing you up and agreeing with you. I don’t think you can underestimate that. It’s a way for people to form a network and make themselves feel better.’

But there are healthier ways of achieving this.

‘I think people involved in shaming groups should really ask themselves why they are doing this in the first place and then think about alternatives that could give them the same outcome. If it’s to rant and vent and feel better, is there a more appropriate way to do that? Maybe face-to-face? I’m not sure if there’s any real psychological benefit to participating in these groups.’

At heart, the popularity of online shaming seems to be rooted in the age-old desire to feel superior to other people. There’s also a sense of camaraderie, a bonding that comes through bitching, and the shared sense that, unlike that schmuck who wore shorts to his wedding, at least we have good taste.

This may not be particularly admirable, but it’s hardly a new impulse.

Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be guiltily laughing at a poorly-drawn Lion King mural on a child’s bedroom.

MORE: Groom wears shorts that make him look like a ‘toddler’ on his wedding day

MORE: Bride chose purple jumpsuits for her bridemaids – but people say they ‘look like vulvas’

MORE: Bride’s ‘coffee-stained’ wedding dress doesn’t go down well





READ SOURCE

Leave a Reply

This website uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you accept our use of cookies.