HAS your daughter come home in tears because her usual group of friends suddenly decided not to save a seat for her at lunch?
Has your son become withdrawn because one of his normal crew of mates has started teasing him about being ‘a wimp’ or ‘a loser’?
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If so, your child has probably been caught up in the power politics in their friendship group, with cliques now forming as early as Year Three.
When parents see kids distraught because their usual mates have rejected or been mean to them, they are often at a loss about what to do or say to help.
But, as I explain in my new book The Friendship Maze, it is possible to understand the mysteries of these fall-outs and help your child survive them.
According to US research by educator Rosalind Wiseman, cliques tend to break down into the same pattern of roles for both boys and girls.
When you help youngsters work out where they fit in, they start to realise these fall-outs don’t just happen to them – and they won’t get as upset.
Here’s a guide to how to help your child understand their friendship groups better – and how to help when things go wrong…
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The leaders of the pack
GIRLS – The Queen Bee: A mix of charm, confidence and social sophistication will take this girl to the top of her friendship group. To teachers, this girl gives the impression of ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ appearance, so she may also land roles like Form Captain or land the star roles in school plays.
The fact that she might have been able to convince adults how mature she is may also mean she is used to being able to control others kids too and get her way.
The Queen Bee’s real power is down to the fact that no one in the class wants to get on the wrong side of the her. That’s because because they know full well she’s willing to be mean if necessary – and put other girls down. She is able to do this because she has the confidence to know the other girls in the group will back her. That’s because they are terrified of getting on the wrong side of her – or becoming her next target.
BOYS – The Ringleader: Like the Queen Bee, this is the boy the others in the group want to be. The Ringleader isn’t necessarily the loudest in the gang, but he has alpha male-type charisma, physical presence and is savvy enough to know other people’s weak points. Whether it’s clothes – especially trainers – or music, it’s up to him to decide what’s cool, funny or stupid and how the group will spend their time.
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The sidekicks
GIRLS – The second-in-command: This girls looks like the Queen Bee’s best friend, but she’s also the lady-in-waiting who does what her friend wants and will look the most like her. As the pair at the top of the social totem poll, this makes them a force to reckoned with. Their goal is to make everyone else in the clique look up them.
BOYS – The Lieutenant: This boy works in tandem with his best friend, the Ringleader, to keep them both at the head of the pack. He is chattier, better liked and probably more socially clever than the leader. But he is happy being second-in-command because it’s less pressure.
The enforcers
GIRLS – The Secret Keeper: Boys are more likely to use physical strength, size and sporting ability to get social power. However girls use words, relationships, gossip and rumours to keep each other in check. This means the next most powerful member of a girls’ clique is The Banker. This girl gets the others to confide in and trust in her. Then at strategic moments, she will dole out nuggets of gossip – or things other girls have said to her – to other clique members, claiming she is only revealing it because she’s being ‘a good friend’.
BOYS – The Bouncer: Well-built and intimidating, the Bouncer in the boys clique does the same job as he does outside a nightclub. He looks intimidating and takes up a lot of space. The other kids don’t’ like him much but they’re scared of him. He does what he is told by the ringleader and his lieutenant, but he is no likeable enough to go it alone and head his own gang. The Bouncer’s job is to help his crew ‘own’ various spots around the school dinner hall and grounds – so they can be seen as the alpha males to look up to.
How to help
Explain it’s quality over quantity: Children don’t need a lot of friends to be happy. So assure your child there’s no requirement to be in the ‘in-crowd’. Two or three good friends with whom they can share confidences is enough to enjoy school.
Help them to work out their role: Ask them to draw a friendship tree, like a mind map, to lay out all their social relationships. By putting them down on paper, they will better understand how they fit into the machinery for a clique.
Explain the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ popularity: Research has found there are two types of popularity. Children can be popular because they are admired for being kind, fair and fun to be with. Other are considered ‘popular’ only because because other kids know they are more socially powerful and are scared of falling out with them. Help your child work out the difference.
Get your child to ask questions: Help kids notice when they are acting against their true nature, just to fit in, so that they understand the pressures acting on them. Ask your child to think about why they want to be friends with someone else. Is it because they genuinely like being around someone or because they think it looks good to be in their camp. Explain they will always have happier friendships if spend time with friends they can be themselves with.
The wannabes
GIRLS – The Wannabe: This girl is desperate to get into the group, and will do anything to prove she deserves a place. Despite buying the same clothes and copying the same look as the Queen Bee, it does not come naturally to her – so the others look down on her. She is so keen to please, she will do the dirty work of the Queen Bee, like spreading rumours. She can easily get excluded and seen as ‘annoying’ if she tries too hard to fit in.
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BOYS – The Fly: This is the hanger-on who tries to gain access to the group by showing off or bragging. At first the other boys might use him but will eventually find him so annoying that one of the other boys will lose patience and lash out. If he gets excluded other other boys will say he deserved it. To help, parents can try and build up his self-worth in other ways and teach him that showing off doesn’t win friends.
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The targets
GIRLS – The Target: If the Queen Bee is at the top of the social ladder, this girl is at the bottom. If a member of the group gets above her station or doesn’t stick to the rules of her group on dress or behaviour, she becomes the butt of this teasing in order to bring her down a peg. She embarrassed about being rejected so she may hide her hurt by telling you she hates her friends – and not saying why she’s so upset. She will learn the hard way that it’s better to be free of a group.
BOYS – The Punch Bag: He’s the boy in the group that the others all make fun off all the time. But because boys grow up to believe that being upset is a sign of weakness, your son will do his best not to let it show, instead believing has to ‘take it like a man.’ It means he doesn’t feel he has any choice except to put up with it, unless he makes a decision to find some other mates.
Tanith previously revealed what children are really thinking during their tantrums and how to encourage better behaviour from them.
‘The Friendship Maze: How to help your child navigate their way to positive and happier friendships’ by Tanith Carey, is out now, published by Summersdale, price £10.00.
