Tales of wicked stepmothers may be common in storybooks, but they are often a far cry from reality. Despite the potential challenges with step-parenting, many children develop close bonds with their mum or dad’s new partner. The actor Dakota Johnson, now 30, is still on great terms with her stepfather, Antonio Banderas, who divorced her mother, Melanie Griffith, in 2014. At the Hollywood Film awards this month, the Spanish actor revealed just how close they still are. “She calls me Papi, and I love that, you have no idea.” The Fifty Shades of Grey star described her childhood growing up with him as “the most fun a kid could have”.
They may present a contrast to the evil step-parent stereotype we see depicted in movies, but they certainly aren’t alone. Since divorcing her husband six years ago, Frances Rose has maintained a close friendship with his daughter, Louise. “I first met her in 2003 when she and her siblings were very young,” she says. “Her mum handled the breakup extremely well with a lot of maturity, which made it easier to get to know her children.”
Aged five at the time, Louise didn’t realise there was anything unusual about her situation. “We would go to Frances’s house with Dad and it felt normal to me. I grew up having two houses, two support systems and a more varied upbringing.” She quickly formed a strong relationship with her new stepmother, and the family was close.
When Frances’s marriage broke down 10 years later, she was devastated at the prospect of losing the connection with her stepchildren. “You’re not biologically related, so you don’t have any rights,” she says. “I couldn’t have my own children, and they really felt like my family. After we split up, I had no idea what was going to happen.”
She needn’t have worried because maintaining that relationship was equally important for Louise. “I think it’s good for any couple splitting up to put children first. Dad was supportive of my decision to stay in touch with Frances, which made the divorce easier. Knowing I could see her whenever I wanted without anyone being upset was great.”
After the breakup, Louise’s mother regularly took her to see Frances before she got her driving licence. “She knew how important she was to me. I am very close to my mum and feel really lucky to have two incredibly strong female influences in my life.”
In the past few years, she has been on regular trips to festivals and galleries with her former stepmother, where they bond over their shared love of music and fashion. For her 18th birthday three years ago, Louise was treated to a trip to Thailand with her mum, followed by a break to New York with Frances. “Ever since I was young, both sides of the family have made an effort to do things with us. It’s almost like my family time gets doubled.” Frances also stays in touch with Louise’s younger brother and sister, but says she never wants to force a bond with her stepchildren. “I’m always here and available for them if they want me.”
It’s something that resonates with Andy, who split up with his wife in 2003 after a 10-year relationship. Although Andy was close to his stepdaughter Helen (not their real names), he was reluctant to push their relationship too hard after the divorce. “When my ex-partner and I got together, Helen was 16 and quite grown up,” he says. “She’s a wonderful person, so laid-back and respectful. We got on very well.”
The couple had been living in South Africa, but Helen was based in the UK when they separated. “I was really disappointed at the thought of not being able to spend time with her again, but I didn’t want to risk coming between her and her mum or damaging that relationship.” However, Helen was keen to reach out to her stepfather. A few years after the split, she visited Durban to see him. “She made a point of coming to see me, which was wonderful,” he says. “I was so happy to spend time with her and properly reconnect.”
The visit wasn’t long after the death of Helen’s father, who Andy had been friends with throughout his marriage. “Years earlier, I had lent her dad some money. After he died, Helen not only reimbursed me, but also gave me some extra money from her inheritance. She didn’t have to give me anything and it wasn’t something I was ever expecting.” They now chat regularly on WhatsApp, and Helen goes to visit Andy whenever she is in South Africa. “She is just a fantastic person to be around,” he says.
For stepfamilies, making the choice to stay in contact after a breakup is important. “Even though I don’t speak to my ex-husband, Louise and I have formed a better friendship on our own terms since we split up,” says Frances. “She is such a go-getter, and really career focused. We may not be related but I see parts of myself in her.”
While they were always close, Louise believes that the lack of pressure to spend time together has helped their relationship. “I don’t think we would be as close as we are now if she hadn’t split up with my dad. I am grateful to her for supporting me and making me feel like I can be independent and strong.” When Frances remarried in 2017, all three of her former stepchildren joined the celebrations. “It was really nice to have them there with me. I’ve now got two adult stepchildren with my new partner and I get on well with them, too.”
Like Frances, Amanda Kane loves spending time with her stepson Daniel, despite splitting up with his father in 2011. “The first time I met Dan, he travelled with us from his home in Ipswich to his dad’s house in Preston. He was only six at the time, so it must have been a bit daunting.” As soon as they were introduced, she invested time in their relationship, taking him on walks and trips to the cinema.
“I remember being really excited to go up north,” he says. “When I first got to know Amanda, we did lots of fun activities together. I really appreciate the effort she made with me while I was growing up because it benefited me so much.”
As Daniel got older, the couple moved to Norwich so they could spend more time with him. Over the years, their bond continued to develop, and he became closer to Amanda than his biological dad. By the time the couple split up, Daniel was in his early 20s. “There was never any doubt that I would carry on seeing Amanda. It’s like I’ve grown up with two mums, and I am really close to them both. My mum offers me lots of emotional support and Amanda has always helped to drive me to succeed in what I do.”
Although she was initially worried about not seeing Daniel and his grandparents, Amanda has kept in touch. Since the divorce, she has enjoyed plenty of nights out with her stepson, and even took him to his first Download festival. Eight years on, Daniel has a child of his own, and she and her new partner regularly go for meals with his family. “We treat him and his partner to dinner and go to see his son. I am really proud of him. He’s such a lovely dad.”
Many people who form close bonds with their stepchildren say that amicable relationships with their biological parents are important. “I was lucky because Daniel’s mum was always amazing,” says Amanda. “She made me feel included in his life, and we could talk through anything. I will never take him away from her, but I do see him as my son, too.”
For her, positive stepfamily relationships can only enrich a child’s life. “I think more people should be forward-thinking about step-relationships after marriages fall apart. The more people there are in a child’s life to love and care about them the better.”
