Five bad video game romantic partners for Valentine’s Day

You may love these video game heroes and heroines, but they wouldn’t make for a good Valentine’s Day date.

While the cast of Fire Emblem: Three Houses would vehemently disagree with us on this, we find it hard to believe that we’d be taken in by Byleth’s charms, regardless of their gender.

It’s hard to become emotionally involved with someone distinctly lacking in emotions. And that’s not an attack on their character; them not having emotions is part of the plot.

Granted, their knowledge means they could constantly be teaching you new things, but at that point it might feel like you’re dating your teacher. And does anybody really want that?

We all love a strong and silent type, but there is such a thing as being too quiet. Steve literally never says a word and while it’s not impossible to emotionally connect with someone who is mute, he has very little to offer otherwise.

What are even his interests? Building things? Acquiring materials to further build things? At some point, you’ve got to be willing to push the boat out for your partner, and Steve seems content to simply build the boat.

Sure, he could probably make you some really nice gifts (and hand-made presents are in the higher echelons of romantic gestures), but at that point you risk only being with him for material reasons.

Don’t let this dreamboat fool you with his stunning good looks and luscious, purple locks. Leon would, quite frankly, make for a pretty bad boyfriend.

He is undeniably charming and an overall good person, constantly looking out for the people of his home region of Galar, but the guy only seems interested in two things: pokémon battles and… no, actually, that’s it.

You just know that he’d ditch your date without a second thought if someone challenged him to a battle in the middle of it. And that’s assuming he even makes it to your date. The man’s sense of direction is infamously bad. He’d probably not only get to the wrong restaurant, he’d be in the wrong town as well.

We know the anti-social loner bad boy archetype is popular with a lot of people, but can you honestly say you’d think Squall is good boyfriend material?

‘But he just needs someone to break down his walls.’ Are you telling us that you would put in the hours and hours trying to let him know how much you love and care about him, when nearly every response he gives is just ‘Whatever’?

Even then, there’s probably a 50/50 chance of him still treating you with legitimate disdain. You’d best pursue Final Fantasy 9’s Zidane instead. At least he knows how to have fun.

Bayonetta has all the hallmarks of a video game crush: drop-dead gorgeous, bursting with confidence, and loves to party. But we have to be honest with ourselves, she’d be a terrible girlfriend.

While potential dates would no doubt be a lot of fun, nine times out of ten they’re going to be interrupted by her being attacked by an onslaught of angels, leaving you to spend the rest of the time cowering nearby and praying you don’t get killed in the crossfire.

Not to mention that, but anything you do together would always be on her terms. Her dominating nature is an attractive quality but, after a while, you’d start to wonder if you two were dating or if you’re more like a pet she visits once in a while when she’s bored.

If you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, be sure to play some of your favourite video games and take solace that you’re at least not in a bad relationship.